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    New Car Smell, Gone

    BombedCarBig.jpg(Baghdad, Iraq) Shiite Muslim Amir Yousef spent 15 years of his adult life saving for a car. He often worked up to two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve extra jobs until the day he had enough money and bought a brand new used car. "It was practically new. It only had 10 miles on it," says Yousef holding a picture of him and the car during better times. "And it still had that new car smell. I loved that smell. I loved it so much that I used to eat all my meals in that car."

    That was until yesterday, when the car became a victim of a Sunni bomb and the growing Iraqi civil war. "My new car smell is gone!" cried Yousef "Now I have nothing. My life is over!"

    Some, like his cousin Mohammad, think Amir is being melodramatic. "It's just a car. He should consider himself lucky that he wasn't blown up. And anyway, the car was an old clunker. There was no new car smell."

    "Forgive my cousin, he has the brain of a retarded monkey and knows not what he says," said Amir "That car's sweet delicate smell was like a little heaven, a little heaven for my nostrils. And I have to have it back. I want, no I demand that the American's bring it back! This civil war is their fault!"

    "First of all there is no civil war just crazy death squads killing each other. Secondly, we'd love to help, but we don't re-create old new car smells," said US commander General George Casey "The best we can do is give him a new car with a new new car smell."

    "Not good enough," said a defiant Amir "I want my old new car smell or I will become radicalized, chant the Koran and become a suicide bomber. This is, by the way, how terrorists are made. So it's up to you Casey, a little old new car smell or a bomb up your ass! Email me and let me know."

    The story ends there because Amir has suddenly vanished without a trace, and as far as we know General Casey's ass is just fine.

    149 Die Celebrating Saddam's Death Sentence For Killing 148

    IraqiBig.jpg(Baghdad, Iraq) Yesterday former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein and his former associates were sentenced to death by hanging after being convicted for the 1982 killings of 148 Shiites.

    In a wave of celebration, some of the surviving Shiites took to Baghdad's streets and fired several hundred guns into the air in order to show their excitement. But two minutes later, tragedy struck, when 149 people were killed as the bullets fell back to Earth.

    The families of the victims were outraged and immediately assigned the blame. "This is all Saddam's fault," said celebrator and AK-47 owner Abu Hamza " If he hadn't killed my people in 1982, angered the world, started and lost a war in 91, bluffed about having nuclear weapons, been overthrown by the Americans, been put on trial and found guilty, then my brothers and I would had never fired our guns into the air in celebration and those 149 people would still be alive."

    "Yes, Abu is right," said fellow AK-47 owner Ruz al-Jubouri "Saddam just never learns. It's like he has zero respect for human life or a drop of common sense."

    But some American soldiers have said that maybe it wasn't such a common sensical idea to fire the guns in the first place. "It's a gravity thing," said an unidentified U.S. soldier "What goes up, must come down."

    Hamza doesn't see it that way. He thinks it's disgusting to try and shift the blame onto his culture. "You know, this never would have happened, we never would have fired our guns into the air, if your guys hadn't invaded our country, put Saddam on trial and convicted him. So this is your fault, U.S. soldiers."

    When we reminded Hamza that he previously said that Saddam was to blame, he blamed us, saying that if the media didn't report the 1982 killings, the invasion of Kuwait, the standoff with weapons inspectors, the war, the occupation, the arrest and conviction of Saddam, then they never would have fired their guns into the air. When we suggested that that answer made no sense, Hamza fired his gun into the air. We ran like hell to safety, but 10 more people died, when those bullets came back down. Now Hamza and his buddies are saying that Saddam, the U.S. Army, and the media should be on the hook for those 10 people.

    In order to prevent any more celebratory deaths, the U.S. Army is encouraging the Shiites to celebrate the American way, by just burning cars.
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