New Car Smell, Gone
Saturday, April 14, 2007 at 05:44PM
BombedCarBig.jpg(Baghdad, Iraq) Shiite Muslim Amir Yousef spent 15 years of his adult life saving for a car. He often worked up to two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve extra jobs until the day he had enough money and bought a brand new used car. "It was practically new. It only had 10 miles on it," says Yousef holding a picture of him and the car during better times. "And it still had that new car smell. I loved that smell. I loved it so much that I used to eat all my meals in that car."

That was until yesterday, when the car became a victim of a Sunni bomb and the growing Iraqi civil war. "My new car smell is gone!" cried Yousef "Now I have nothing. My life is over!"

Some, like his cousin Mohammad, think Amir is being melodramatic. "It's just a car. He should consider himself lucky that he wasn't blown up. And anyway, the car was an old clunker. There was no new car smell."

"Forgive my cousin, he has the brain of a retarded monkey and knows not what he says," said Amir "That car's sweet delicate smell was like a little heaven, a little heaven for my nostrils. And I have to have it back. I want, no I demand that the American's bring it back! This civil war is their fault!"

"First of all there is no civil war just crazy death squads killing each other. Secondly, we'd love to help, but we don't re-create old new car smells," said US commander General George Casey "The best we can do is give him a new car with a new new car smell."

"Not good enough," said a defiant Amir "I want my old new car smell or I will become radicalized, chant the Koran and become a suicide bomber. This is, by the way, how terrorists are made. So it's up to you Casey, a little old new car smell or a bomb up your ass! Email me and let me know."

The story ends there because Amir has suddenly vanished without a trace, and as far as we know General Casey's ass is just fine.
Article originally appeared on The Lost News (
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