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    Newly Discovered 3rd Sect Of Islam Keeping Their Damn Trap Shut

    iStock_3rsSect.jpg(Riyadh, Saudi Arabia) A stunning discovery has rocked not only the Islamic world, but also the entire planet. Members of an unknown 3rd sect of Islam, called the Susees, were found living in a small village in southern Saudi Arabia.

    "This is amazing. This opens up the debate on who really holds the mantle of Islam handed down from the Prophet," said Ibrahim Al-Saad, professor of Islamic Studies at New York University "I can't wait to interview these people and find out what has happened to them all these years."

    "I'll tell you what's been happening all these years, we've been living in peace," said an anonymous Susee leader "We haven't been chopping the heads off our enemies, and we haven't had our heads chopped off. And we like it that way. So leave us alone."

    But the Islamic world can't do that. Both Shia and Sunni leaders from the Middle East are thrilled that there's a new player in the Muslim game.

    "With the help of the Susees, we will crush the Shia Crescent before it emerges," said a spokesman for Saudi leader King Abdullah.

    "My friend has it all wrong," countered Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad "The Shia and Susees will come together and establish a world wide Shia Crescent, finally drowning the Sunni and the West's influence."

    So which side will the Susees pick?

    "We reserve the right to keep our damn trap shut," said the anonymous Susee leader "and our location secret. So again, please scram."

    "It seems that the Susees just want to sit on the sidelines and let the Shia and Sunni fight it out," said Professor Al-Saad "That's a very shrewd position, but I don't think the world is going to let the Susees sit by and do nothing."

    Which is why the Susees are moving. "What did I say? We like peace, and there is no peace in their Islam," said the Susie leader over the phone "So now we're going underground. I hope you're happy, a-hole." Then the phone went dead, and the Susees were gone.  

    In a strange twist, the Shia and Sunni are not blaming each other or their faith for the loss of their Islamic brethren, but the United States of America. "What the shit else is new?" asked a tired President George W. Bush "Hell, I can't catch a break with these people."

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