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    « With U.S. Recession Looming, Russia Lowers AK-47 Prices | Main | Kim Jong Il Wins 'Kim Jong Il Award' Again! »
    Friday
    Nov092007

    God Angers Christian Right By Extending Earth’s Lease 10,000 Years

    iStock_Yaweh.jpg(New Orleans, LA) It seems that the Christian right keeps getting the shaft. First, President George W. Bush wined and dined them only say he had a headache, then they were hit by the Ralph Reed (gayish fraud) and Ted Haggard (gayish gay) scandals, and now it seems their dream of seeing the Second Coming of Jesus Christ will remain just a dream.

    Yesterday, three years and four days before the end was to come, God signed an agreement with Satan extending the Earth’s lease for another ten thousand years.

    “I really had no choice,” said The Almighty. “Lu put down 20% and agreed to pay my insurance costs. In today’s market, it was a no-brainer.”

    “This is really a good deal for both of us,” said the Devil. “The Big Guy needed the cash, and I just bought a new beach house in Malibu.”

    The Christians, however, are livid. “This is a God sized pile of bullshit!” said Pat Roberston. “I’ve been saying the end is near for years. My whole life is based on this. I can’t be wrong. I won’t be wrong. I don’t accept this. I want my fucking Rapture, and I want it now!”

    “How do you think I feel Pat?” asked Cliff Davis, creator of the bumper sticker In Case Of Rapture, This Car Will Be Empty. “I’ve got a million of these bumper stickers in the garage, and now they’re worthless. God Damn it!”

    “Watch you tongue buddy,” said Yaweh. “I’m still you’re the Lord your God…Look people, this isn’t a bad thing. See the glass half-full for Christ’s sake.  I can say hat because he’s my Son.…Folks, the world is not going to end. You’re not going to die soon, unless you’re Pat. So live. Enjoy the Earth. I put of a lot of time and energy into it; plus with D’s money, I‘m going to fix up a lot of stuff (more Waffle Houses anyone?) We’ll get to the Second Coming and all that Revelations business in due time. Just enjoy what you’ve got, or I’ll bring back Jerry Falwell.”

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