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    Friday
    Jan182008

    With U.S. Recession Looming, Russia Lowers AK-47 Prices

    Putin_AK47.jpg(Moscow, Russia) Anyone who can read a newspaper knows that the American economy is on the brink of a recession. But not to worry, other nations around the world are already extending a helping hand.

    England is offering future out of work Americans the best dental care they have to offer. France is offering to change the name of pommes-frites to freedom-frites. But the biggest gesture has come from an old enemy: Russia.

    President Vladimir Putin said that his government would immediately lower the prices on its famous Kalashnikov assault rifle or AK-47 to 20 dollars per unit. “We just want every American to know that when things get tough, the government of Russia will be there in case you might need an affordable gun, for some reason.”

    When asked why out of work Americans would need a gun, much less an assault rifle, Putin shrugged and said, “Maybe the poor Americans will think of one reason or one thousand nine hundred seventeen revolutions, I mean reasons. I don’t know. It’s not up to me.”

    President Bush has laughed off Putin’s offer. “Why the heck would anyone need one thousand nine hundred and seventeen reasons to get a gun? 1917? That makes no darn sense. When I was a kid I only needed one reason: varmits.”

    Members of Congress have flatly rejecting Russia’s offer. “I’m here to say that this country does not need or want Russia’s cheap guns,” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. “We already have plenty of U. S. made guns here. You need one? Just go to Detroit.”

    Putin thinks that Congress is overreacting. “I think that Czar Bush needs to have a sit down with. Did I say Czar? I’m sorry, I mean that President Bush needs to have a sit down with Congress. It is a very dangerous world and everyone knows that the best friend of an unemployed male between the ages of 16 and 34, whether that is in America or not, is an AK-47…By the way, when paying for your new gun, you better send cash or use your VISA, because we don’t take American Express.”

    Friday
    Nov092007

    God Angers Christian Right By Extending Earth’s Lease 10,000 Years

    iStock_Yaweh.jpg(New Orleans, LA) It seems that the Christian right keeps getting the shaft. First, President George W. Bush wined and dined them only say he had a headache, then they were hit by the Ralph Reed (gayish fraud) and Ted Haggard (gayish gay) scandals, and now it seems their dream of seeing the Second Coming of Jesus Christ will remain just a dream.

    Yesterday, three years and four days before the end was to come, God signed an agreement with Satan extending the Earth’s lease for another ten thousand years.

    “I really had no choice,” said The Almighty. “Lu put down 20% and agreed to pay my insurance costs. In today’s market, it was a no-brainer.”

    “This is really a good deal for both of us,” said the Devil. “The Big Guy needed the cash, and I just bought a new beach house in Malibu.”

    The Christians, however, are livid. “This is a God sized pile of bullshit!” said Pat Roberston. “I’ve been saying the end is near for years. My whole life is based on this. I can’t be wrong. I won’t be wrong. I don’t accept this. I want my fucking Rapture, and I want it now!”

    “How do you think I feel Pat?” asked Cliff Davis, creator of the bumper sticker In Case Of Rapture, This Car Will Be Empty. “I’ve got a million of these bumper stickers in the garage, and now they’re worthless. God Damn it!”

    “Watch you tongue buddy,” said Yaweh. “I’m still you’re the Lord your God…Look people, this isn’t a bad thing. See the glass half-full for Christ’s sake.  I can say hat because he’s my Son.…Folks, the world is not going to end. You’re not going to die soon, unless you’re Pat. So live. Enjoy the Earth. I put of a lot of time and energy into it; plus with D’s money, I‘m going to fix up a lot of stuff (more Waffle Houses anyone?) We’ll get to the Second Coming and all that Revelations business in due time. Just enjoy what you’ve got, or I’ll bring back Jerry Falwell.”

    Wednesday
    Jul252007

    Kim Jong Il Wins 'Kim Jong Il Award' Again!

    Kimjongil.jpg(Pyongyang, Democratic People's Republic of Korea) All of North Korea was abuzz last night as the Chairman of the National Defense Commission, Supreme Leader and God-King Kim Jong Il surprised everyone by winning the 2006 'Kim Jong Il' Award. This marked the 12th win in a row (out of the 12 years the award has been given) for the little Napoleon of the Far East.

    Kim, dressed in a ruffled shirt and pastel tux, scampered to the stage and began to sing ROCKET MAN. After he finished the entire song, he decried that Rocket Man was his new name, and that he had written the song. Then he showed some choreographed emotion. "I don't know what to say, I really wasn't expecting to win again! I mean twelve years in a row? Who does that? Come on! I guess you really love me DPRK. You really love me!"

    But do they? An anonymous staffer said in a hushed tone, "Love him? Yea, like three day old rice. This whole award ceremony is all a colossal, self-serving evening of bullshit." And as the T was hanging on his tongue, he was carted away and given the very important job (by none other that Rocket Man himself) of testing a new bulletproof helmet. (Unfortunately for the staffer, we were later told that the helmet still has a design problems. )

    Rocket Man's 1st assistant, Munhwa Seok, while kissing a picture of Rocket Man, said, "Rocket Man's victory in this very competitive contest is spectacular. And because the Korean people honored him with such a victory, Rocket Man has given the staff an hour off and will turn on the nation's lights for one extra hour tonight. It's a very exciting time to be North Korean."

    The local people agree, "Rocket Man deserves this award. He works very hard to keep this country number one. And tonight it was nice to have the extra light. I'm reading Rocket Man's biography. And I got to get to the part where he single-handedly defeated the Americans. What a Korean."

    While the people of the PDRK are impressed with Rocket Man's win. The rest of the world is not. American President George W. Bush has this to say, "He's a crazy, power hungry man who cares nothing about democracy. And let's face it, winning the 'Kim Jong Il' Award is nothing to crow about. It's not like winning the "George W. Bush' Award that will premiere this fall. And guess who's going to win that gem. Go on, guess."
    Saturday
    Apr142007

    New Car Smell, Gone

    BombedCarBig.jpg(Baghdad, Iraq) Shiite Muslim Amir Yousef spent 15 years of his adult life saving for a car. He often worked up to two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve extra jobs until the day he had enough money and bought a brand new used car. "It was practically new. It only had 10 miles on it," says Yousef holding a picture of him and the car during better times. "And it still had that new car smell. I loved that smell. I loved it so much that I used to eat all my meals in that car."

    That was until yesterday, when the car became a victim of a Sunni bomb and the growing Iraqi civil war. "My new car smell is gone!" cried Yousef "Now I have nothing. My life is over!"

    Some, like his cousin Mohammad, think Amir is being melodramatic. "It's just a car. He should consider himself lucky that he wasn't blown up. And anyway, the car was an old clunker. There was no new car smell."

    "Forgive my cousin, he has the brain of a retarded monkey and knows not what he says," said Amir "That car's sweet delicate smell was like a little heaven, a little heaven for my nostrils. And I have to have it back. I want, no I demand that the American's bring it back! This civil war is their fault!"

    "First of all there is no civil war just crazy death squads killing each other. Secondly, we'd love to help, but we don't re-create old new car smells," said US commander General George Casey "The best we can do is give him a new car with a new new car smell."

    "Not good enough," said a defiant Amir "I want my old new car smell or I will become radicalized, chant the Koran and become a suicide bomber. This is, by the way, how terrorists are made. So it's up to you Casey, a little old new car smell or a bomb up your ass! Email me and let me know."

    The story ends there because Amir has suddenly vanished without a trace, and as far as we know General Casey's ass is just fine.
    Saturday
    Apr142007

    149 Die Celebrating Saddam's Death Sentence For Killing 148

    IraqiBig.jpg(Baghdad, Iraq) Yesterday former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein and his former associates were sentenced to death by hanging after being convicted for the 1982 killings of 148 Shiites.

    In a wave of celebration, some of the surviving Shiites took to Baghdad's streets and fired several hundred guns into the air in order to show their excitement. But two minutes later, tragedy struck, when 149 people were killed as the bullets fell back to Earth.

    The families of the victims were outraged and immediately assigned the blame. "This is all Saddam's fault," said celebrator and AK-47 owner Abu Hamza " If he hadn't killed my people in 1982, angered the world, started and lost a war in 91, bluffed about having nuclear weapons, been overthrown by the Americans, been put on trial and found guilty, then my brothers and I would had never fired our guns into the air in celebration and those 149 people would still be alive."

    "Yes, Abu is right," said fellow AK-47 owner Ruz al-Jubouri "Saddam just never learns. It's like he has zero respect for human life or a drop of common sense."

    But some American soldiers have said that maybe it wasn't such a common sensical idea to fire the guns in the first place. "It's a gravity thing," said an unidentified U.S. soldier "What goes up, must come down."

    Hamza doesn't see it that way. He thinks it's disgusting to try and shift the blame onto his culture. "You know, this never would have happened, we never would have fired our guns into the air, if your guys hadn't invaded our country, put Saddam on trial and convicted him. So this is your fault, U.S. soldiers."

    When we reminded Hamza that he previously said that Saddam was to blame, he blamed us, saying that if the media didn't report the 1982 killings, the invasion of Kuwait, the standoff with weapons inspectors, the war, the occupation, the arrest and conviction of Saddam, then they never would have fired their guns into the air. When we suggested that that answer made no sense, Hamza fired his gun into the air. We ran like hell to safety, but 10 more people died, when those bullets came back down. Now Hamza and his buddies are saying that Saddam, the U.S. Army, and the media should be on the hook for those 10 people.

    In order to prevent any more celebratory deaths, the U.S. Army is encouraging the Shiites to celebrate the American way, by just burning cars.