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    « We Strongly Suggest You Buy A Paper | Main | I Can Assure You, I Did Not Take One Drop Of Dandy Jim's Muscle Tonic »
    Friday
    Aug032007

    Rejoice! The Utopia Of Tomorrow Is Here!

    Utopia.jpgWilliam Exxon

    December 24, 1909

    (Dallas, TX) Are you looking for the Utopia of tomorrow? Well friend, look for further because I say it has found us, today! Are you listening pal? The Utopia of tomorrow is here! And it's name is OIL!

    Just look at the wonderful postcard I've enclosed, do the words Shagri-La come to anyone's mind? Hell if that isn't the most beautiful thing you have ever seen, then you don't deserve your damn eyes! That gorgeous field is gold, pure gold!   Gold that is going to make this dark world a better place. For example, do you like wealth? Would you like for everyone to be wealthy? Of course you would. What about equality, clean air, and free education for every American? Sounds good doesn't? Heck, what if I threw in a little world peace? Sounds even better, right? And what about that word 'depression'? Let's just pull it from the dictionary, because we're never ever going to need that again. Everything's going to come up roses, thanks to what the good Lord saw to give only to the U. S. of A.!

    But my friends I need your help and your money. Together we can pull this liquid gold from our precious Mother Earth. And before the nays ayers get to you, let me say that the scientists I've talked to say:

    1. There is enough of this liquid gold to last a thousand years!

    2. That drilling for oil does not hurt our tough environment at all.

    It's true that we have had to cut down a few trees in order to put up theses oil fields. But I say to you. Can you make an omelette without breaking some eggs? No, you can't. And like eggs, these trees will grow back. And sure like any enterprise that man will undertake, mishaps will happened. There might be oil spills on some trees, a beach or seal habitat. But since this stuff comes from the ground, from nature, it'll be good for them, like a treat. Think of oil as ice cream for the environment!

    Don't you worry any about negative consequences or old Mother Nature, we're too small to upset her. So uncork that champagne and toast to the new golden era!

    PS. You can make out those checks to CASH.

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