Here I Am English, Come Get A Taste!
Thursday, August 30, 2007 at 07:30AM
Chris

KidOHalloran.jpgKID O'HALLORAN

This editorial appeared in the London Times during February of 1902.

(Dublin, Ireland) Let's get right to it shall we? If you stinking limey bastards plan to keep poisoning our good Irish minds with your Catholic witchcraft, your crappy Queen and your bland tasteless food, then you're going to have to answer to me, Kid O'Hallaron, The Great Potato Masher. Yeah that's right, I'm not a myth used to scare your stupid wanker children. I'm the real McCoy!

And today, I'm announcing my intention to wipe up the street with you chinless wonders. What am I saying? Since you are brain-dead from all the inbreeding, I'll write slow. I am challenging every single one of you crumpet-stuffers to a fight.

And if you think I'm not up to the task, then just take a look at this photograph and let fear seep into your fiendish bones. Pictures don't lie my inferior foe. What you see are arms of steel, legs of iron and a jaw of granite. If you are not trembling, then you are all damn fools!

But what are we fighting for, you ask? Why for Ireland's freedom of course. So, as soon I beat all of you senseless, we will be a free nation, free to pursue whatever the hell we want to pursue. And if by some freak accident, one of you devil dogs should get the better of me, then you can have all of Ireland. But don't get too excited now, because that's never going to happen. The good Lord is on our side.

So I'm laying down the gauntlet, who's man enough to pick it up and get a taste of The Potato Masher?

Thousands of Englishman picked up Kid O'Hallaron's gauntlet the day this was published. But it only took one man to silence the Masher; which east London bricklayer Robert Speedman did with one punch to the granite jaw. Irish historians now blame O'Halloran for the delay of a free Ireland saying a peace was close until 'he opened that bloody hole in his face'. O'Halloran became an outcast and was even deported from his beloved Ireland. He ended up in Hollywood, where he made a career out of getting beat up in early westerns.

Article originally appeared on The Lost News (http://thelostnews.com/).
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