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    Sunday
    Apr012007

    Psst....You're Fat!

    pagecop_cropped.jpgThis note, written by one Carl Smith, was recently discovered in a desk at the Congressional storage building.

    (Washington D.C. June 8, 1937) Lenny, you know that you and I are the best of friends. Ever since we met at the circus, we've been like peas and carrots, peanut butter and jelly, Abbott and Costello. We've been sharing our thoughts about politics, humor and the intricacies of the human heart for many years. I hope you know that you can say anything to me, just like I feel I can say anything to you. So, here goes nothing. Pssst...you're fat!

    You really are, and not by a few pieces of bread but by a few thousand loaves. I understand that this might be unpleasant for you to hear, but for Pete's sake put down that bear claw and listen to me. You're dumpy, elephantine, plump and rotund. You're a big whale of lard. Do you get my drift?

    I'm not saying this to hurt you or because you always eat the last slice of cake without asking if anyone else would want it. I'm saying this because you're my buddy, and I want you to be around for a long long time. How much fun could I have if you went six feet under? Who's going to lift me up to dunk a basketball, put the star on top of the Christmas tree or look in the windows at the YWCA?

    Like it or not chunky, you're going on a diet. And don't argue with me or I'll ask you when's the last time you saw your own prick, okay? I only mention your unmentionable, because Betty, the gal that looks like Rita Hayworth, has been asking about you. She thinks you're kind of dreamy, but she's afraid that your husky physique will crush her.

    You're going to do to get slim, but not too slim. I can't have you being better looking than me. I don't need the competition. It's hard enough convincing these broads that I only look twelve. So tonight after work you're going to walk to the gin joints instead of driving. You're going to drink vodka and no beer. And most important, you're going to start smoking. I heard it burns calories, and with all the movies stars doing it, it's got to be good for you. We'll get into diet changes like more whole milk, french fries and other things tomorrow. But, just stick with me tubby, and you'll land that Betty and be around for many years to come.

    Lenny never lost any weight or made it with Betty. Two days later, while walking up the stairs, he had a heart attack, fell and crushed Carl.
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