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    « Here I Am English, Come Get A Taste! | Main | Rejoice! The Utopia Of Tomorrow Is Here! »
    Monday
    Aug132007

    We Strongly Suggest You Buy A Paper

    newsboys325x195.jpgThis is an eyewitness account from 1921.

    (Washington D.C.) Hey buddy, where are you going? Yea, we're talking to you. Come over here and buy the latest edition. Oh, you've already got it? Well, take this anyway you want four-eyes, but we strongly suggest that you buy a paper.

    That's a fancy suit you got there, it'd be a shame for it to get all ripped up.

    And for just a few pennies, you can keep that suit looking fresh as a daisy. But it's up to you. It is a free country after all. We can't force you to buy a paper from us. We're just harmless kids.

    I see. You don't need another paper. We understand. I'm sure you don't need a broken leg either. We're not threatening you. Come on. Look how small we are. What could we do to you? It's just a dangerous world, and I'd hate to see you take an unnecessary spill down some stairs. But we could help push the odds against that happening, if you help us out.

    I understand you're late getting home. You've got that house on Washington Place right? It's a nice house, white plaster, indoor plumbing and gas. You've got it all. But, I wonder if those gaslights are safe. Sometimes, they go a little weird and start fires. I'd hate to see that happen. I'll tell you what. We know the guy who owns the gas company. We can have him check your house for you, make sure it's all safe. All you have to do is buy a paper. Not a big deal.

    You'll buy a paper tomorrow? That's great, but why put off tomorrow what you can do today? Am I right? Besides a lot of things can happen before tomorrow. Like, I don't know, someone could kidnap your young pretty wife, fill her with opium, take some lewd photographs and send them to your boss. But then again something like that could not happen. It all depends on you.

    Go ahead and go tell the cops. Where do you think they get their papers from? The President? He's a good friend of ours. Do you want to meet him? You know what you have to do.

    Nice doing business with you. We'll see you tomorrow and the next day and the next day, ya follow? Good. Now scram, we've got work to do.

    Hello sir, that sure is a spiffy hat, would you like to buy the latest edition?

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      The Lost News - War Chest - We Strongly Suggest You Buy A Paper
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      The Lost News - War Chest - We Strongly Suggest You Buy A Paper
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      The Lost News - War Chest - We Strongly Suggest You Buy A Paper
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      The Lost News - War Chest - We Strongly Suggest You Buy A Paper

    Reader Comments (1)

    *mental image of a dapper executive having his expensive suit and tie ripped into pieces and his polished shoes stepped on by those little monsters because he refuses to buy a newspaper*

    Good laugh for a Friday at the office.

    November 9, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJW

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