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    « Dear God, What I Have I Done? | Main | Psst....You're Fat! »
    Saturday
    Apr282007

    Is There Anyone Here In Need Of Saving?

    Hero217x275.jpgPoncho Sergio Alaveda Schwartz

    Below is Poncho's classified ad from 1915

    (SAN DIEGO, CA) Hello, my name is Poncho Sergio Alaveda Schwartz. I am as you can see, a hero. But I am new to this town and I have no one to save. As you must know, a hero cannot be a hero unless he has someone to save. So, I was wondering. Is there anyone here in need of saving?  

    I assure you that I come highly recommended. I can give you references from my Rabbi, grandmother and tailor, Mr. Silverblatt, from my home in New York's lower east side. I am not new to saving, in fact I have saved many people from paying too much for fresh Hallah, whitefish salad and tacos. Also, when confronted by the threat of violence, I do not run the other way. Just ask Lenny Birnbaum from Lower Jerusalem Hebrew school, who put his fat arse on top of the flag pole.

    I come from a long line of heroes. My father Schlomo Ira Schwartz was a hero. He met my mother Maria Sergio Alaveda in Brooklyn, while rescuing her from a bad diamond purchase. They fell instantly in love and were married having 7 children. In those days it was tough for a hero to find work in New York, so my father went to Mexico in search of glory. But all he found was death at the hand of the El Chupacabra.

    Since all my siblings have decided for a life in vaudeville, it has fallen to me to pick up the hero mantle from my fallen father and serve the public.

    Who will be my first savee here in the Golden state? All you have to do is send a note to the address in this ad, and I will drop everything and rush to your aid. (Except on the Sabbath, Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur and Cinco De Mayo of course.) I am available, for example to walk with you through the rough neighborhoods of San Diego, collect any debts that have not been paid and press your finest linen. I have other talents, but when put into action they all have the same result. You being saved by a hero.

    So just drop me a line and let the saving begin. I assure you that my rates are more than reasonable. You will not find a lower price in town. And if you do, I will beat it! Remember, when you think of hero, think of Poncho Sergio Alaveda Schwartz!

    Poncho Sergio Alaveda Schwartz's career never got off the ground. The day after this classified ad was published, Poncho was thrown off a bridge by a group of out-of-work actors. His dying words were "Don't worry my friends, I, Poncho Sergio Alaveda Schwartz, will make the bottom of this river safe for you!"

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