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    If Only I Were Taller

    JeffDavisBig.jpgThe following is an unpublished letter written by Jefferson Davis, former President of the Confederate States of America.

     May 10, 1865

    Dear Friend,

    I am writing this letter to inform you that I am a loser, a bum, a good-for-nothing, a pile of horse dung. I was close, so close to making a new nation, so close to success. I had it. I had it within my grasp, but I let it slip away. And now it is gone, gone forever.

    And why, why did I lose this so-called Civil War? Well, I can tell you why I did not lose this war. I did not lose because the North had more money, more soldiers and more guns. That was not it, no, not by a long shot. I lost, because I was not tall enough...God damn that Abraham Lincoln, all six feet four inches of him!

    I had always heard that tall people were successful. And being six foot one, I always thought I was tall enough. But alas, I was not. I am so sorry my Confederate brethren. I am so sorry that I failed you so, that I came up three inches short. But what else could we have done? I was the tallest man in the Confederate government! I guess we were doomed from the start.  

    What will future generations think of me my friend? Will my place in history be that of a punch line? Yes it will, unless I can beat Lincoln at his own game! I may not be able to rescue a nation, but I can rescue my family from ridicule!

    That's why I will find the tallest woman in the land and marry her! Together we will have tall children, who in turn will marry other tall people and have even taller children! And that cycle will continue until the Davis family is taller than the Lincoln family! Then, finally, I will have my victory! Ha!

    There is much to prepare and so little time, I must go. Wish me luck my friend!


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