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    Saturday
    Apr282007

    Wife's Will To Live, A Little Annoying

    Gary240x359.jpg(Little Rock, AR) Retired dentist Gary Wilson loves his wife of thirty years, Linda. She helped him through dental school, gave him two beautiful daughters; and over their life together, she's been there for him. So when Linda was diagnosed with lung cancer, Gary was glad for the opportunity to be there for her.

    "She's my sweetheart, and I admire her will to live. But after 8 years of countless procedures, surgeries and treatments, it's a little annoying," said Gary. "I mean, we used to have a big house, a big 401k and a big lake house; but thanks to you know who's medical bills, that's all history."

    Gary isn't the only one who's annoyed with Linda's will to live. "Linda is a real gem. But I've got other patients, who haven't maxed-out their insurance," said Linda's oncologist Dr. Keller. "Plus, I'm writing a book on the dangers of lung cancer, and she's kind of fucking up my numbers."

    "Let's face some facts," said Gary. "The Big C will ultimately win, right? And when that happens Linda will be in Heaven, where she won't have to worry about food or rent. But someone down here, named Gary, will have to worry about those things."

    Even though it looks rough for Linda, she does have two allies, her daughters Lucy and Kimmy. "Mom is the strongest person in the world," said Lucy.

    Kimmy added, "We plan to support, love and take care of her for however long she wants to fight."

    Gary said the girls are just kissing ass to get Linda's jewelry. "But I know something they don't. There isn't any jewelry. It's long gone, just like my lake house."

    Aint' love grand.

    Tuesday
    Apr242007

    Dramatic Farewell Ill-Planned

    iStock_JessicaK.jpg(Cleveland, OH) Last Sunday afternoon Jessica Kimack was set to return home to Chicago from Cleveland after a long visit with her boyfriend Mike Smith. But in a fit of forced passion, she made the rash decision to leap from the discount Megabus $1 bus line and return to the arms of a very startled Mike.

    In the hopes of creating a magic moment between her and Mike, Jessica waited until the bus had been put into drive, and with her eyes locked magically with his, dramatically shouted to the bus driver to, “Stop the bus!”

    Fifteen minutes later, when her bag was dug out from under the other passengers’ luggage, Jessica did one of those "run and jump into your lover's arms" type of things and in a breathy voice told her lover that she loved him and would be referring to him as her 'lover' from that point on. Mike tried valiantly, much like a white knight, to silence the shouts and jeers of the angry bus passengers, who were now 40 minutes late, 20 minutes because of Jessica and 20 minutes because the Megabus is always at least 20 minutes behind schedule.

    Much was said by Jessica in that one-sided embrace, that lasted way too long, including how she "could not live" without her lover, that the "sun set" in her lover’s eyes, and "some line" including the word lover from TITANIC.

    Mike sweetly stated that they had "just spent an entire week together and wasn't that enough" and then questioned how soon Jessica could get another ticket back to Chicago.
     
    All in all, it was indeed a movie-perfect moment for Kimack, who was unconcerned with anything other than the man before her. And as a soft rain began to fall, Jessica's eyes danced in the fading sunlight, while Mike told her to call her parents for a ride home, because he had to work that afternoon.
    Tuesday
    Apr242007

    Man Gets Ass Handed To Him By Lupus

    Lupus1Big.jpg(Canyon City, OR) Last night in Canyon City, town leader and legendary lumberjack Jim Falbrook, 55, passed away after losing his battle with Lupus, the chronic autoimmune disease in which the immune system becomes hyperactive and attacks normal tissue. But upon further investigation we found that Jim didn't just lose to Lupus, he had his ass handed to him.

    Falbrook was diagnosed with Lupus in 2001, and at the beginning the disease wasn't very problematic. "Jimmy only had some minor fatigue and skin rashes. He remained virtually symptom free for the first 4 years," said Jim's widow Cynthia. "But after his first seizure this past Easter, Lupus turned the tables and began schooling my husband."

    Canyon City Sheriff and childhood friend of Falbrook, Walter Hounan, shared his thoughts. "I thought Jim had the advantage - heck, he fought that Lupus every day! He was so confident that he was winning, but then came that day in July when the poor bastard lost all of his hair within 15 minutes! From then on it was pretty clear that Lupus was kicking ass and taking names."

    Before Jim's symptoms escalated even further, he tried to win his 10th consecutive Lumberjack World Championship. "God damn that Lupus! Jim was a role model for us all," cried fellow lumberjacking competitor Buck Weston. "No one e'er did better at the ax throw, the single buck and the underhand block chop than Jim-Jam. But I should've known this day was coming. Especially, when during the 90-foot open climb his kidney failed, and he fell like a sack of buckwheat onto a hot saw. I didn't see it then, but it was clear that Jim was gettin' molly-whooped by Lupus."

    Terri Owen, who founded the National Lupus Organization after her own mother died of a Lupus-related infection, met with Falbrook in August. "In my 15 years of working with Lupus patients, I never saw a case this brutal. I mean, there's no other way to say it, but Mr. Falbrook got served."

    Ron Davis, an orderly at Falling Timbers Hospice, where Falbrook spent his last days, was sad to see him go, but glad to see the unholy punishment end, "Jim tried to fight man, but that Lupus was like Muhammed Ali on roids. And before he knew what was going on, Jim went down for the count."

    Fred Wuhrler, Mayor of Canyon City, vows to honor Falbrook's memory. "I ordered a big bronze statue of Jim log-rolling like the man he was, and we're going to put that in our community park to show everyone that Jim Falbrook was a legend in this town and not the hairless, shaking, bed-wetting son-of-a-bitch that got kicked to the curb by Lupus."

    Tuesday
    Apr242007

    Coiner Of Phrase "Commit Random Acts Of Kindness And Senseless Acts Of Beauty" Killed In Calculated Massacre

    RandomBig.jpg(Missoula, MT) 53 year-old philosopher and Missoula native Steve Bardon will always be remembered and admired for his inspiring catch phrase, Commit Random Acts of Kindness and Senseless Acts of Beauty. A catch phrase that has, no doubt, graced the bumpers of thousands and thousands of cars.

    Sadly, Bardon, who disappeared in August after a shift at the local Suicide Hotline, was found dead yesterday inside an abandoned barn.

    "I don't get it. Steve was such a randomly sweet man," said Jeremy Koering, a long time friend of Bardon's. "I can't imagine anyone doing something so senseless as to hurt him."

    "Oh, he just wasn't hurt," said Sheriff Reginald Tomlinson. "He was systematically tortured, killed and cut into 26 equal pieces. This wasn't a murder, it was a calculated massacre."

    "Yea, I'd say the killer definitely took his time," said coroner Robert Ludhas. "The work is just flawless. It's too bad the guy is homicidal, because he'd make one hell of a surgeon."  

    Who would do such a thing?

    The FBI has been brought in to determine just that, but they as of now, they have zero leads. "We're still overwhelmed by the crime scene," said FBI Special Agent Chuck Weston. "It's just so unrandom, it's silly."

    If the FBI doesn't have a suspect, a few folks in Missoula do. "I'll bet you a million dollars, that it was that no good Scooter Caruthers," said Beverly Johnston, owner of Bev's Diner. "You see, Scooter and Steve were friends many years ago. But their friendship ended, when Steve starting selling his Random phrase. Scooter said the phrase was his, and that Steve had stolen it. Which is bullshit...They even went to court about it, and Steve won...So, I'll just bet you it was Scooter."

    We found Scooter Caruthers living alone near Billings. He's a small man, who seems to hardly have the strength to kill a fly much less cut up a man into 26 equal pieces. He's also broke having poured all his money into the failed catch phrase, Commit Precise Acts of Revenge and Calculated Acts of Violence. Billings insisted that he's innocent of the massacre, but the FBI is skeptical.

    "On the night in question, Mr. Caruthers claims he was in Pakistan doing business for the United States government," said Special Agent Weston. "So until that checks out, we're going to keep a keen eye on him."
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