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    « Dramatic Farewell Ill-Planned | Main | Coiner Of Phrase "Commit Random Acts Of Kindness And Senseless Acts Of Beauty" Killed In Calculated Massacre »
    Tuesday
    Apr242007

    Man Gets Ass Handed To Him By Lupus

    Lupus1Big.jpg(Canyon City, OR) Last night in Canyon City, town leader and legendary lumberjack Jim Falbrook, 55, passed away after losing his battle with Lupus, the chronic autoimmune disease in which the immune system becomes hyperactive and attacks normal tissue. But upon further investigation we found that Jim didn't just lose to Lupus, he had his ass handed to him.

    Falbrook was diagnosed with Lupus in 2001, and at the beginning the disease wasn't very problematic. "Jimmy only had some minor fatigue and skin rashes. He remained virtually symptom free for the first 4 years," said Jim's widow Cynthia. "But after his first seizure this past Easter, Lupus turned the tables and began schooling my husband."

    Canyon City Sheriff and childhood friend of Falbrook, Walter Hounan, shared his thoughts. "I thought Jim had the advantage - heck, he fought that Lupus every day! He was so confident that he was winning, but then came that day in July when the poor bastard lost all of his hair within 15 minutes! From then on it was pretty clear that Lupus was kicking ass and taking names."

    Before Jim's symptoms escalated even further, he tried to win his 10th consecutive Lumberjack World Championship. "God damn that Lupus! Jim was a role model for us all," cried fellow lumberjacking competitor Buck Weston. "No one e'er did better at the ax throw, the single buck and the underhand block chop than Jim-Jam. But I should've known this day was coming. Especially, when during the 90-foot open climb his kidney failed, and he fell like a sack of buckwheat onto a hot saw. I didn't see it then, but it was clear that Jim was gettin' molly-whooped by Lupus."

    Terri Owen, who founded the National Lupus Organization after her own mother died of a Lupus-related infection, met with Falbrook in August. "In my 15 years of working with Lupus patients, I never saw a case this brutal. I mean, there's no other way to say it, but Mr. Falbrook got served."

    Ron Davis, an orderly at Falling Timbers Hospice, where Falbrook spent his last days, was sad to see him go, but glad to see the unholy punishment end, "Jim tried to fight man, but that Lupus was like Muhammed Ali on roids. And before he knew what was going on, Jim went down for the count."

    Fred Wuhrler, Mayor of Canyon City, vows to honor Falbrook's memory. "I ordered a big bronze statue of Jim log-rolling like the man he was, and we're going to put that in our community park to show everyone that Jim Falbrook was a legend in this town and not the hairless, shaking, bed-wetting son-of-a-bitch that got kicked to the curb by Lupus."

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