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    « Man Gets Ass Handed To Him By Lupus | Main
    Tuesday
    Apr242007

    Coiner Of Phrase "Commit Random Acts Of Kindness And Senseless Acts Of Beauty" Killed In Calculated Massacre

    RandomBig.jpg(Missoula, MT) 53 year-old philosopher and Missoula native Steve Bardon will always be remembered and admired for his inspiring catch phrase, Commit Random Acts of Kindness and Senseless Acts of Beauty. A catch phrase that has, no doubt, graced the bumpers of thousands and thousands of cars.

    Sadly, Bardon, who disappeared in August after a shift at the local Suicide Hotline, was found dead yesterday inside an abandoned barn.

    "I don't get it. Steve was such a randomly sweet man," said Jeremy Koering, a long time friend of Bardon's. "I can't imagine anyone doing something so senseless as to hurt him."

    "Oh, he just wasn't hurt," said Sheriff Reginald Tomlinson. "He was systematically tortured, killed and cut into 26 equal pieces. This wasn't a murder, it was a calculated massacre."

    "Yea, I'd say the killer definitely took his time," said coroner Robert Ludhas. "The work is just flawless. It's too bad the guy is homicidal, because he'd make one hell of a surgeon."  

    Who would do such a thing?

    The FBI has been brought in to determine just that, but they as of now, they have zero leads. "We're still overwhelmed by the crime scene," said FBI Special Agent Chuck Weston. "It's just so unrandom, it's silly."

    If the FBI doesn't have a suspect, a few folks in Missoula do. "I'll bet you a million dollars, that it was that no good Scooter Caruthers," said Beverly Johnston, owner of Bev's Diner. "You see, Scooter and Steve were friends many years ago. But their friendship ended, when Steve starting selling his Random phrase. Scooter said the phrase was his, and that Steve had stolen it. Which is bullshit...They even went to court about it, and Steve won...So, I'll just bet you it was Scooter."

    We found Scooter Caruthers living alone near Billings. He's a small man, who seems to hardly have the strength to kill a fly much less cut up a man into 26 equal pieces. He's also broke having poured all his money into the failed catch phrase, Commit Precise Acts of Revenge and Calculated Acts of Violence. Billings insisted that he's innocent of the massacre, but the FBI is skeptical.

    "On the night in question, Mr. Caruthers claims he was in Pakistan doing business for the United States government," said Special Agent Weston. "So until that checks out, we're going to keep a keen eye on him."

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