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    Monday
    Nov122007

    Apple Unveils The "iDR" In Time For Holidays

    iDR.jpg(Cupertino, CA) As a kid, did you dream of being a doctor, but thought it was too hard or only possible for smart people? Well now your dream may come true. Because according to Apple founder and CEO Steve Jobs, it is no longer necessary to spend the eight plus years in medical school and post-graduate programs in order to become a doctor. "Now you can do it in just seconds. Thanks to our latest marvel, the iDR," said Jobs during the iDR unveiling this morning.

    "This device will let people make a self-diagnosis, order tests and prescribe medications (from Canadian pharmacies) all while downloading their favorite music, TV shows and movies," added Jobs to his awed audience. "Also, this little MD will help save millions from unnecessary office visits, soaring insurance costs and crippling school loans. Welcome to the new age of medicine."

    "Welcome to the new age of medical disaster is more like it," says Dr. Joseph Martin, Dean of Harvard Medical School. "There's a reason medical training takes years. The human body is incredibly intricate and complicated. To think someone can just be a doctor while downloading Jay-Z is very, very foolish."

    Former U.S. Senator Bill Frist, now a practicing physician, agrees. "It's not only foolish, it's irresponsible to think amateurs can correctly diagnose themselves. Hell most Americans still think that Saddam Hussein had something to do with 9/11. This is going to be a bloodbath, and we have to stop it." But when Frist was told that most iDR buyers would be Democrats he said, "Well, let's see how this plays out."

    Steve Jobs finds all the criticisms of iDR way too premature. "Look people, don't knock the iDR before you get a chance to use it...In fact, last month it saved my ass. Using the iDR, I found and removed a tumor on my prostate 5 days before I got the tests back from my so-called learned doctor...I'm only saying what everyone already knows. The human doctor is going the way of the standard-def television...So save your ass today and buy the iDR."

    Apple also announced their plans for another device that will be released in June 2008. It's called the iGOV, and it will let people legislate, enforce and overturn their own laws.

    Friday
    Nov022007

    Waitress Insists Mime Job Is Just Temporary

    MimeBig.jpg(Burbank, CA) Growing up during the cold winters of Lincoln, Nebraska Ronnie Westburg kept warm by clinging to her dream. A dream that would take her out West to the adopted home of Bob Hope, where she could pursue her life's work of serving good people quality food at competitive prices.

    Ronnie moved to Burbank 18 months ago. But after two months of not being able to find the right family style restaurant, she took the only job she could find, as a mime performing at charity events.

    "Miming is just temporary," said Ronnie while practicing to climb an invisible ladder "I'm just doing it for the money, until I can find that dream waitressing gig."

    To everyone reading this article, that may sound easy, but it's a challenge. "I'm caught in a Catch-22," said Ronnie "To get a job you need experience, and you can't get experience unless you get a job. So, I just gotta keep putting myself out there and hope I'll meet someone who knows someone who knows someone, who needs a good waitress."

    But several people think Ronnie should stuff her waitressing dream down the garbage disposal and pursue miming full time."She has the gift. She has IT," said mime Josh Robbins a.k.a. 'Un Peu Marcel Marceau'. "She's a genius. When she's trapped in that box, I catch myself wondering if she's going to survive. That type of miming talent only comes around maybe once every hundred years. But she doesn't care. She just wants to serve waffles to fat people."

    "You see why I don't want to waste my life as a mime? They're snobs," answered Ronnie. "I'm sorry Josh, that you're not as talented as you want to be, but let me live my own life. And I would consider it an honor to serve fat people waffles or anything they want, though I might push a salad with low-fat dressing. I don't want my customers to die on me."  

    Though Ronnie seems to be alone in going after her dream, she does have one ally, her father John. The former waiter wants Ronnie to quit the mime thing and go for it. "If she doesn't, she's going to wake up one day and be too old to be the kind of waitress I know she can be." Ronnie agrees and said she was going to quit.

    But a month later we found Ronnie she still trapped in that imaginary box. She insisted that she has one foot outside that box. "I'm quitting soon. I just need a little more money, a little more." Don't we all Ronnie, don't we all.
    Saturday
    Apr282007

    Wife's Will To Live, A Little Annoying

    Gary240x359.jpg(Little Rock, AR) Retired dentist Gary Wilson loves his wife of thirty years, Linda. She helped him through dental school, gave him two beautiful daughters; and over their life together, she's been there for him. So when Linda was diagnosed with lung cancer, Gary was glad for the opportunity to be there for her.

    "She's my sweetheart, and I admire her will to live. But after 8 years of countless procedures, surgeries and treatments, it's a little annoying," said Gary. "I mean, we used to have a big house, a big 401k and a big lake house; but thanks to you know who's medical bills, that's all history."

    Gary isn't the only one who's annoyed with Linda's will to live. "Linda is a real gem. But I've got other patients, who haven't maxed-out their insurance," said Linda's oncologist Dr. Keller. "Plus, I'm writing a book on the dangers of lung cancer, and she's kind of fucking up my numbers."

    "Let's face some facts," said Gary. "The Big C will ultimately win, right? And when that happens Linda will be in Heaven, where she won't have to worry about food or rent. But someone down here, named Gary, will have to worry about those things."

    Even though it looks rough for Linda, she does have two allies, her daughters Lucy and Kimmy. "Mom is the strongest person in the world," said Lucy.

    Kimmy added, "We plan to support, love and take care of her for however long she wants to fight."

    Gary said the girls are just kissing ass to get Linda's jewelry. "But I know something they don't. There isn't any jewelry. It's long gone, just like my lake house."

    Aint' love grand.

    Tuesday
    Apr242007

    Dramatic Farewell Ill-Planned

    iStock_JessicaK.jpg(Cleveland, OH) Last Sunday afternoon Jessica Kimack was set to return home to Chicago from Cleveland after a long visit with her boyfriend Mike Smith. But in a fit of forced passion, she made the rash decision to leap from the discount Megabus $1 bus line and return to the arms of a very startled Mike.

    In the hopes of creating a magic moment between her and Mike, Jessica waited until the bus had been put into drive, and with her eyes locked magically with his, dramatically shouted to the bus driver to, “Stop the bus!”

    Fifteen minutes later, when her bag was dug out from under the other passengers’ luggage, Jessica did one of those "run and jump into your lover's arms" type of things and in a breathy voice told her lover that she loved him and would be referring to him as her 'lover' from that point on. Mike tried valiantly, much like a white knight, to silence the shouts and jeers of the angry bus passengers, who were now 40 minutes late, 20 minutes because of Jessica and 20 minutes because the Megabus is always at least 20 minutes behind schedule.

    Much was said by Jessica in that one-sided embrace, that lasted way too long, including how she "could not live" without her lover, that the "sun set" in her lover’s eyes, and "some line" including the word lover from TITANIC.

    Mike sweetly stated that they had "just spent an entire week together and wasn't that enough" and then questioned how soon Jessica could get another ticket back to Chicago.
     
    All in all, it was indeed a movie-perfect moment for Kimack, who was unconcerned with anything other than the man before her. And as a soft rain began to fall, Jessica's eyes danced in the fading sunlight, while Mike told her to call her parents for a ride home, because he had to work that afternoon.
    Tuesday
    Apr242007

    Man Gets Ass Handed To Him By Lupus

    Lupus1Big.jpg(Canyon City, OR) Last night in Canyon City, town leader and legendary lumberjack Jim Falbrook, 55, passed away after losing his battle with Lupus, the chronic autoimmune disease in which the immune system becomes hyperactive and attacks normal tissue. But upon further investigation we found that Jim didn't just lose to Lupus, he had his ass handed to him.

    Falbrook was diagnosed with Lupus in 2001, and at the beginning the disease wasn't very problematic. "Jimmy only had some minor fatigue and skin rashes. He remained virtually symptom free for the first 4 years," said Jim's widow Cynthia. "But after his first seizure this past Easter, Lupus turned the tables and began schooling my husband."

    Canyon City Sheriff and childhood friend of Falbrook, Walter Hounan, shared his thoughts. "I thought Jim had the advantage - heck, he fought that Lupus every day! He was so confident that he was winning, but then came that day in July when the poor bastard lost all of his hair within 15 minutes! From then on it was pretty clear that Lupus was kicking ass and taking names."

    Before Jim's symptoms escalated even further, he tried to win his 10th consecutive Lumberjack World Championship. "God damn that Lupus! Jim was a role model for us all," cried fellow lumberjacking competitor Buck Weston. "No one e'er did better at the ax throw, the single buck and the underhand block chop than Jim-Jam. But I should've known this day was coming. Especially, when during the 90-foot open climb his kidney failed, and he fell like a sack of buckwheat onto a hot saw. I didn't see it then, but it was clear that Jim was gettin' molly-whooped by Lupus."

    Terri Owen, who founded the National Lupus Organization after her own mother died of a Lupus-related infection, met with Falbrook in August. "In my 15 years of working with Lupus patients, I never saw a case this brutal. I mean, there's no other way to say it, but Mr. Falbrook got served."

    Ron Davis, an orderly at Falling Timbers Hospice, where Falbrook spent his last days, was sad to see him go, but glad to see the unholy punishment end, "Jim tried to fight man, but that Lupus was like Muhammed Ali on roids. And before he knew what was going on, Jim went down for the count."

    Fred Wuhrler, Mayor of Canyon City, vows to honor Falbrook's memory. "I ordered a big bronze statue of Jim log-rolling like the man he was, and we're going to put that in our community park to show everyone that Jim Falbrook was a legend in this town and not the hairless, shaking, bed-wetting son-of-a-bitch that got kicked to the curb by Lupus."