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    Saturday
    Jan072012

    Fat Kid Eats Bully

    (Houston, TX) Everyone faces a bully at some point in their life. For a portly 8th grader named Teddy Parker, his bully came in the form of 9th grader Ace Lawrence.

    Parker (who claims to be big-boned) spent two years being tormented by Lawrence. Everyday he was bullied by the names Fatso, Fatty Butt, Lard Ass, Tons-O-Fun, Chubby and Chunky. But that bullying ended last Tuesday, when before lunch Parker lashed out and....ate Ace Lawrence.

    “I didn’t mean to eat him,” said Parker. “It just kind of happened.”

    Parker claims that Ace threatened him with physical violence. “Holding a nightstick, Ace said that he would beat the fat off of me if I didn’t give him my lunch money for forever.”

    The nightstick made Teddy very, very nervous. “And when I get nervous, I eat,” said Parker, who started with Ace’s left ear. “And once I start eating, I can't stop.” Two hours later, all that was left of Teddy's bully was a pile of bloody bones.

    Some, including Ace's parents, are calling Parker a monster, but not the unpopular kids from the greater Houston area. They're calling him a superhero, and asking for his services

    “Please Teddy, come and eat my bully. I’ll give you my Nintendo Wii!” pleaded 10 year-old Millard Dennis.

    “I wish I had the stomach to eat my bully, but I can't. Please help Teddy,” said 9 year-old Henry Smith.

    What's the next step? Is Parker going to help his peers, or is he finished eating bullies?

    “I sure hope so. I hope that bullies will see what happened to Ace and learn,” said Teddy. “But let me say this: if they don’t, I’ll be there. I’ll be everywhere......Wherever there's a bully taking some kid’s lunch money, I’ll be there. Wherever there’s a bully shoving a kid’s head into a toilet, I'll be there. And wherever there's a bully beatin' the fat off a fatty, I'll be there. I’ll be there with, a fork, a steak knife and a big dipping bowl of ranch dressing.”

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    Reader Comments (2)

    Eating people. Always funny.

    January 10, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterEdna's Edibles

    Hahaha! This is great! Like Cliff Ridley said, it's some fucked up shit. Hilarious. You go Teddy!!!

    January 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRedRaider

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