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    Wednesday
    Jul302008

    5 Year-Old On The Path To Becoming A Blowhard

    (Hartford, CT) His name is Robert Jennings Bryan. He’s 5 years old and lives in an upscale neighborhood outside of Hartford. His parents call him Bobby, but he calls himself Robert. And as he gets older most people will call him - blowhard.

    “He’s on the path,” said Robert’s mother Bonnie. “I don’t know how he got on it or how he can get off.”


    Robert took the path to becoming a blowhard with his first words. “He said, ‘Robert is about to speak his first words, so pay attention’,” said Robert’s father Billy. “And then he said spoke his first official words: ‘Robert just made a poo-poo.’”

    Since then Robert Jennings Bryan has only referred to himself in the third person.

    “Donald Trump, Sharon Stone and Sean Hannity all started out the same way,” said NYU psychology professor Luke Nutter. “It’s textbook blowhardism, because, ironically, blowhards have no concept of the first person.”

    “It was kind of cute at first, but now it’s annoying,” said Bonnie Bryan. “It’s always: Robert is thinking that waffles for breakfast would be a great idea, Robert thinks watching Shrek would be a nice ending to his challenging day, Robert is just dying for a venti, half-caf, low-fat, no cream macchiato with a twist.”

    Robert’s blowhardness is even worse at kindergarten. “First of all, he calls me Pat,” said Robert’s teacher Patricia Pennings. “Secondly, he acts like everything he does is a major event. Last week he said ‘Pat, Robert is going to tie his shoe by himself, and applause would be appropriate.’ But what wasn’t appropriate was when Robert asked Pat to model nude for his next finger-painting.

    “I know he must be stopped, but how do we do it?” asked Billy Bryan.

    “Richard must be banned from using his own name. He must learn to say I,” said professor Nutter. “If he doesn’t, Richard may achieve the blowhard status of Bill O’Reilly by age 10…and if that happens, God help us.”

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