Homeless Man Can’t Wait For Bailout To Trickle Down To Him By 2019

(Washington D.C.) Saturday morning Tony Wilson, a homeless former school teacher, was the happiest he’d been in months. Congress had finally taken action to help the drowning economy by passing the 850 billion 700 billion bailout and he had found a half-eaten bagel with no spit on it. “That’s pretty rare man, pretty rare,” said Tony. “Something tells me that today’s going to be a good day.”

After Wilson devoured the bagel and some leftover coffee, also sans the spit, he talked excitedly about the bailout. “The infusion of capital should really help stabilize things, you know? It should give businesses access to the credit they need, so that they can buy supplies, pay current employees and create new jobs. That will allow Joe Six-Pack on Main Street to buy the everyday stuff they need. Then finally, some of that money should trickle down to me and Skid Row by 2019, which is perfect.”

Wilson doesn’t want to appear sarcastic or ungrateful to a federal government that’s giving him a helping hand. “But the fact is, I don’t need the bailout, now. No bullshit,” said Wilson. “I’m still waiting for the Reaganomics to trickle down, which it should any day now. And after that, I’ll get some dough from the Clinton boom and the first Bush tax cuts…So, I’m good.”

Until his first ship comes in, Wilson is content to grow out his beard more and catch up on his reading. “I just finished Bob Woodward’s The War Within. Man, I would not want to be George W. Bush now or never. Can you imagine being that clueless and being breastfed by his mother?...Just that thought alone will keep me off of moldy bread for a week…Look, tell America not to worry about me, they've done enough…Now if you would excuse me, I see a ham and cheese sub with no roaches on it…What did I tell you? Today is a good day!”

Comments

[brazen teacher]

Ironically, this year is the first in recorded history that the city I teach for organized a group against 'Teacher's "exorbitant" salaries.' Also ironically, this is the first month I've ever bounced rent. Perhaps there is a connection? Or perhaps my reasoning is clouded by the number of meals I've skipped this week.

[kevin john]

What?? Wilson got a sandwich without roaches??
In D.C.??
Shit. I'm movin there.Now!

"Honey-pack up the bags, get the kids outta the street, make sure my construction tools get packed with the spare SPAM we got at WAL-MART the other day and we're going to the nation's capitol to find WORK!!"

"Baby-I TOLD ya I could do it! Chris-this guy on the web said so!"

"Oh, and don't forget my six-packs."