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    Thursday
    Oct112007

    Following Marion Jones’ Confession, Man Who Placed 678th In 2000 New York City Marathon Comes Clean

    iStock_GJClean.jpg(New York, NY) George Jefferson, a 42-year old New Jersey native and owner of a dry cleaning business in Hoboken, lives his life with one rule. “Honesty is the best policy,” said Jefferson after admitting that he had just farted. “I smelled it. I dealt it. That’s how it goes.” But several years ago it would have gone differently. Jefferson would’ve blamed the dog.

    In the summer of 2000, George decided that he was going to run the New York City Marathon. “One day this blonde bombshell, let’s call her Simone, walked into my store needing to get a stain removed from a suede jacket. I decided right then and there that I had to bang her. So when she said that she was getting ready to run the New York City Marathon, I said me too.” But with no experience running, jogging or walking up more than 3 flights of stairs, George Jefferson had a tough road ahead of him.

    “So like Marion Jones, I decided to bend the rules,” said George. “I started taking some HGH (human growth hormone) stuff called The Clear. And it was great. I went from getting dizzy after moving a load of whites from the washer to the dryer to running 10 miles (with his new trainer partner Simone) without breaking a sweat.”

    Knowing that he was deceiving Simone but not caring, Jefferson continued to take The Clear. “Just like Marion Jones wanted those Olympic medals. I wanted Simone’s creamy thighs wrapped around my face. We both got lost within the desire to win.”

    And win Jefferson did, or win for him. With the help of The Clear, he ran, finished and placed 678th in the 2000 New York City Marathon. Everyone George knew including Simone, who placed 789th, was impressed. Life was great. Jefferson’s business took off, Simone wrapped her thighs around his face, and he became a local hero until, like Jones, rumors about drug use started to circulate.

    Jefferson, like Jones, went public to deny the rumors. “I did an interview with my 8-year old cousin’s school newspaper, where I denied any wrongdoing about my 678th place finish,” said Jefferson. “Lying to a bunch of kids, that was a new low; but Marion probably knows what I’m talking about.”

    Jefferson continued to live with the lie for years, until the bottom fell out two weeks ago, when a pregnant Simone discovered George’s secret stash of The Clear in his basement. She confronted him. George, who had just read about Marion Jones’ ordeal, came clean. “I told her the truth. I said I took The Clear so I could run the marathon, wrap her thighs around my face and bang her. It felt good to be honest.”

    Honesty however was not enough to save his relationship. The next day Simone left George, had an abortion and moved to San Francisco. Jefferson says he deserves it. “Marion and I both deserve what we get. We lied.” When asked about what would have happened if he had run the New York City Marathon clean, George laughs. “Oh it would have been much different…If I had run that marathon clean, I bet that I would have finished…let’s see it’s October 8th in 2007…I would have finished…about ten minutes ago. Not great.”

    As George picks up the broken pieces of his life and moves on, his only thought is to help other people not make the same mistake that he and Jones made. He plans to write a book about his experience titled, George And Marion In The Clear, An American Tragedy. And he’s trying to reach the younger generation where he tells the next generation of men, “Do not take HGH drugs to get into a girl’s pants. Do it the old fashion way with booze and cocaine.”

    Monday
    Oct012007

    Irate Vikings Fan Files Petition To Have ‘Favre’ Made Into The New F-Word

    BrettFavre.jpg(Minneapolis, MN) Fans of the Minnesota Vikings have had enough of storied Green Bay Packer quarterback Brett Favre. “He beats us at Lambeau. He beats us in the dome, and he beats us in Madden NFL,” said lifelong Vikings fan Mike Sommers. “And yesterday he broke the record for most touchdown passes ever by a queer or non-queer quarterback against US…I’m sick of it. Enough is enough.”

    So this morning Sommers is taking a personal day from his job as a copywriter at a local advertising company and filing a petition to have the name of Favre made into Minnesota’s universal curse word or the new F-word. “So instead of saying any of the seven words you can’t say on television, (shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits), one in Minnesota, and hopefully the world, would just say that’s horseFavre. Go Favre yourself. You’re mother’s a dirty Favresucker. You get the idea.”

    It may seem like Sommers is full of Favre, but people in Minnesota are lining up to support him.

    “This, and I mean it, is the greatest thing since sliced bread,” said Minneapolis baker Bill Ritter.

    “Sommers gets a Favring A plus for creativity,” said schoolteacher Meredith Miles.

    “Let’s Favre Favre in his Favre-hole and elect Mike Sommers for Favring President,” said comedian, Democratic Senatorial candidate and Minnesotan Al Franken.

    Even Minnesota’s governor, Tim Pawlenty, is jumping onto the anti-Favre bandwagon. “It’s totally clear to anyone with half a brain that the reason the great state of Minnesota has not been able to bring home a Super Bowl victory has not been the fault of our own players or coaches failures to execute over the years, but of one blight to society, Brett Favre. So I stand with my fellow Vikings fans to say Brett Favre, you can kiss our Favre, your Favreless little motherFavring, Favresucker!…Wow, does that feel good!”

    There’s no clue on how Brett Favre is going to take this attack on his name. Repeated calls to his Green Bay residence were sent directly to his voicemail, which has as an outgoing message saying, “Hi this is Green Bay Packer and Minnesota Vikings Super Bowl champion Brett Favre, leave a message.”

    “We’re all going to leave a message Bret. And that message will be loud and clear, as soon as my petition has passed,” said new Minnesota legend Mike Sommers.

    Even though, Sommers’ petition still has to pass through the Mayor’s office in Minneapolis, sources say it’s a done deal. So later on today Mike Sommers and his fellow Vikings fans will have their revenge and throughout Minnesota kids will be having their mouths washed out with soap for saying the word Favre.

    Saturday
    Apr212007

    Next Tiger Woods Wets Pants

    golfball.jpg(Denver, CO) For years the media and golf world have been looking in earnest for the next Tiger Woods. And everyone in the golf world thought 2 year-old Brayden Bozak was him. He can hit the ball 60 yards and has even said that when he grows up, he wants to be Tiger. "Well, unless we can get those pills C. Thomas Howell took in SOUL MAN, I don't see that happening," said Brayden's father Reid Bozak.

    But all that doesn't matter now, because Brayden's dream ended yesterday when he wet his pants on the 18th green of the Cherry Creek Country Club. "I'm stunned. Tiger didn't wet his pants at this age," said Reid, while throwing a MERCEDES catalog into the trash "He knows that Mr. Wee Wee is for Mr. Potty not for the 18th green! Sometimes I wonder how long it will take for him to grow up." When asked about the incident Brayden said "I had too much juicy." Then he ran away to chase butterflies.

    Golf experts are back at square one. They expected a lot from this kid, that he was the one. "If he can't hold his water by 2, then forget it," said golf legend Jack Nicklaus. "Now he's going to have to realize that he's not special, that he's regular."

    The sponsors have already run for cover. "We gave that kid a lot of balls, but we can't have our balls getting wet," said the hooded Titleist VP Woody Jenkins from his dark office "But don't worry, there is another. An 18-month old boy in Nebraska named Jaguar Finklestein. He is not only potty-trained but already has three hole-in-ones under his belt. He's the one.
    Saturday
    Apr212007

    Barbaro Loses Battle With Leg, But Goes On To Win That Big Triple Crown In The Sky

    barbaroBig.jpg(Kennett Square, PA) Monday morning the sports world lost their beloved champion Barbaro, when he sadly bought the farm. The colt, who burst upon the scene last year by handily winning the Kentucky Derby, succumbed to the leg injury he suffered at the Preakness.

    But not every piece of news spinning around the lost winner was sad. At 6:17 E.S.T., a Vatican spokesman released a statement asking fans not to shed tears for Barbaro but raise their hands in cheers. "Barbaro has moved on to greener pastures," said spokesman Silvio Calipari, "And in fact, I've just received confirmation, that he has gone on to win the Triple Crown in the sky."

    "That comes as no surprise to me," said Barbaro's co-owner Gretchen Jackson. "Champions win wherever they are...I wish I could've seen it."

    While most people are glad to know Barbaro is succeeding in the next world, some are wishing he were still here, so they could kill him, again.

    "He's a bum. You here me? A bum!" said gambler and college drop out Jimmy McGinty. "I borrowed 10 grand and bet it that that dumb animal would not only survive his broken leg, but win the damn Triple Crown, down here!...I'm screwed!"

    McGinty is not alone. There seem to be a lot of people, who by placing bets on Barbaro, have found themselves at the business end of a Louisville Slugger. "I could sit here all day and say they're damn idiots," said Philadelphia loan shark/bookie Lenny Marcese, "but that would be bad for business. Instead, for all you Barbaro fans, I'm just going to say that the odds are very good that Barbaro might be pulling a Jesus and coming back from the dead...If fact, I'd call it a sure thing."

    When we tried to contact McGinty to ask him about the resurrection theory, a voice, much like Marchese's, answered and said that Jimmy had to go away forever....Well, at least Barbaro will have another friend with him in that winner's circle in the sky.
    Saturday
    Apr212007

    In 'Heaven Can Wait' Switcheroo Saddam Enters Tony Romo

    SaddamRomoBig.jpg(Dallas, TX) Local, national and world wide religious and paranormal experts are scratching their heads in disbelief. Sure they've seen movies and TV shows where the souls of the dead enter the bodies of the living, but none of them thought it could actually happen. But it has. In a Heaven Can Wait type switcheroo the soul of the deposed and recently executed Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein has entered the body of Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo.

    "We think Saddam entered Romo Sunday night, after the Cowboys lost to the Detroit Lions," said paranormal and Saddam expert Raj Ashoka "Romo was feeling down and was susceptible to the strong will of the former Iraqi dictator."

    "We started to wonder what was going on with Tony," said Cowboys owner Jerry Jones "When during Tuesday's film session he suggested, in Arabic, that we gas the players and families of the Detroit Lions."

    "Last night, we confirmed it was Saddam inside of Romo," said Ashoka "After Saddam told us the name of his favorite childhood toy, a decapitated Shiite head."

    But how did Saddam get into Romo? Ashoka said that after Saddam was executed, the former despot was greeted by the late actor James Mason (Who played an angel in the film Heaven Can Wait ). Mason told Saddam that there had been a little mistake, and that he could reenter a body for a short time. The body he chose was the leader of America's team.

    Now for Cowboys' fans Saddam's timing couldn't be worse, considering that the NFL playoffs start this weekend, where the Cowboys will face last year's NFC champion the Seattle Seahawks.

    "I don't care what Saddam did in his other life," said Cowboys fan Luke Hollister "He just better manage the game and get TO involved early."

    Cowboys coach Bill Parcells agrees, "Now, I don't know what's going on, if Tony's in there or Saddam's in there. It doesn't matter. Who ever is in there cannot turn the ball over for us to have a chance to win."

    Tony Romo/Saddam say they're ready and have developed a few wrinkles in the game plan like drinking the blood of Seahawks coach Mike Holmgren's wife during a naked bootleg and planting an IUD in the jock of Seahawks running back Shaun Alexander.

    "I don't know about those plays," added Parcells "But I do like the aggressiveness that Saddam has brought to the table. I kind of wish he would have entered the bodies of my entire defense."

    Considering that Tony Romo's body now holds two souls, former Cowboys starting quarterback Drew Bledsoe has been bumped from the number 2 guy to the number 3 guy. Bledsoe's response, "I'm getting too old for this shit."