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    Saturday
    Apr212007

    Next Tiger Woods Wets Pants

    golfball.jpg(Denver, CO) For years the media and golf world have been looking in earnest for the next Tiger Woods. And everyone in the golf world thought 2 year-old Brayden Bozak was him. He can hit the ball 60 yards and has even said that when he grows up, he wants to be Tiger. "Well, unless we can get those pills C. Thomas Howell took in SOUL MAN, I don't see that happening," said Brayden's father Reid Bozak.

    But all that doesn't matter now, because Brayden's dream ended yesterday when he wet his pants on the 18th green of the Cherry Creek Country Club. "I'm stunned. Tiger didn't wet his pants at this age," said Reid, while throwing a MERCEDES catalog into the trash "He knows that Mr. Wee Wee is for Mr. Potty not for the 18th green! Sometimes I wonder how long it will take for him to grow up." When asked about the incident Brayden said "I had too much juicy." Then he ran away to chase butterflies.

    Golf experts are back at square one. They expected a lot from this kid, that he was the one. "If he can't hold his water by 2, then forget it," said golf legend Jack Nicklaus. "Now he's going to have to realize that he's not special, that he's regular."

    The sponsors have already run for cover. "We gave that kid a lot of balls, but we can't have our balls getting wet," said the hooded Titleist VP Woody Jenkins from his dark office "But don't worry, there is another. An 18-month old boy in Nebraska named Jaguar Finklestein. He is not only potty-trained but already has three hole-in-ones under his belt. He's the one.
    Saturday
    Apr212007

    Barbaro Loses Battle With Leg, But Goes On To Win That Big Triple Crown In The Sky

    barbaroBig.jpg(Kennett Square, PA) Monday morning the sports world lost their beloved champion Barbaro, when he sadly bought the farm. The colt, who burst upon the scene last year by handily winning the Kentucky Derby, succumbed to the leg injury he suffered at the Preakness.

    But not every piece of news spinning around the lost winner was sad. At 6:17 E.S.T., a Vatican spokesman released a statement asking fans not to shed tears for Barbaro but raise their hands in cheers. "Barbaro has moved on to greener pastures," said spokesman Silvio Calipari, "And in fact, I've just received confirmation, that he has gone on to win the Triple Crown in the sky."

    "That comes as no surprise to me," said Barbaro's co-owner Gretchen Jackson. "Champions win wherever they are...I wish I could've seen it."

    While most people are glad to know Barbaro is succeeding in the next world, some are wishing he were still here, so they could kill him, again.

    "He's a bum. You here me? A bum!" said gambler and college drop out Jimmy McGinty. "I borrowed 10 grand and bet it that that dumb animal would not only survive his broken leg, but win the damn Triple Crown, down here!...I'm screwed!"

    McGinty is not alone. There seem to be a lot of people, who by placing bets on Barbaro, have found themselves at the business end of a Louisville Slugger. "I could sit here all day and say they're damn idiots," said Philadelphia loan shark/bookie Lenny Marcese, "but that would be bad for business. Instead, for all you Barbaro fans, I'm just going to say that the odds are very good that Barbaro might be pulling a Jesus and coming back from the dead...If fact, I'd call it a sure thing."

    When we tried to contact McGinty to ask him about the resurrection theory, a voice, much like Marchese's, answered and said that Jimmy had to go away forever....Well, at least Barbaro will have another friend with him in that winner's circle in the sky.
    Saturday
    Apr212007

    In 'Heaven Can Wait' Switcheroo Saddam Enters Tony Romo

    SaddamRomoBig.jpg(Dallas, TX) Local, national and world wide religious and paranormal experts are scratching their heads in disbelief. Sure they've seen movies and TV shows where the souls of the dead enter the bodies of the living, but none of them thought it could actually happen. But it has. In a Heaven Can Wait type switcheroo the soul of the deposed and recently executed Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein has entered the body of Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo.

    "We think Saddam entered Romo Sunday night, after the Cowboys lost to the Detroit Lions," said paranormal and Saddam expert Raj Ashoka "Romo was feeling down and was susceptible to the strong will of the former Iraqi dictator."

    "We started to wonder what was going on with Tony," said Cowboys owner Jerry Jones "When during Tuesday's film session he suggested, in Arabic, that we gas the players and families of the Detroit Lions."

    "Last night, we confirmed it was Saddam inside of Romo," said Ashoka "After Saddam told us the name of his favorite childhood toy, a decapitated Shiite head."

    But how did Saddam get into Romo? Ashoka said that after Saddam was executed, the former despot was greeted by the late actor James Mason (Who played an angel in the film Heaven Can Wait ). Mason told Saddam that there had been a little mistake, and that he could reenter a body for a short time. The body he chose was the leader of America's team.

    Now for Cowboys' fans Saddam's timing couldn't be worse, considering that the NFL playoffs start this weekend, where the Cowboys will face last year's NFC champion the Seattle Seahawks.

    "I don't care what Saddam did in his other life," said Cowboys fan Luke Hollister "He just better manage the game and get TO involved early."

    Cowboys coach Bill Parcells agrees, "Now, I don't know what's going on, if Tony's in there or Saddam's in there. It doesn't matter. Who ever is in there cannot turn the ball over for us to have a chance to win."

    Tony Romo/Saddam say they're ready and have developed a few wrinkles in the game plan like drinking the blood of Seahawks coach Mike Holmgren's wife during a naked bootleg and planting an IUD in the jock of Seahawks running back Shaun Alexander.

    "I don't know about those plays," added Parcells "But I do like the aggressiveness that Saddam has brought to the table. I kind of wish he would have entered the bodies of my entire defense."

    Considering that Tony Romo's body now holds two souls, former Cowboys starting quarterback Drew Bledsoe has been bumped from the number 2 guy to the number 3 guy. Bledsoe's response, "I'm getting too old for this shit."