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    Monday
    Sep102007

    Pentagon Unveils The “Try And Follow Us Home” Map

    NewWorldMap2.jpg

     
    (Washington D.C.) We have all heard the phrase from President Bush, Secretary Rice, former Secretary Rumsfeld and many others, “We must fight Al Qaeda over there in Iraq, so that we don’t have to fight them over here.”

    The thinking is that if we leave Iraq the terrorists will follow us home to create a new front in the War on Terror. But in preparation for a possible military pullout, the Pentagon has unveiled a new strategy that will make it nearly impossible for the terrorists to follow us home. The strategy is a new map called the “Try and Follow Us Home” map. And as this article was being written that map was being airdropped all over Iraq.

    “The top minds in the Pentagon spent almost a year perfecting this map,” said Secretary of Defense Robert Gates. “We think we have come up with the best way to protect the American people.”

    “This is nothing short of brilliant,” said President Bush. “But the best thing is that the new map is made up of recycled copies of the Constitution. Pretty good huh?”

    “I’m impressed. Bush has finally done something to get us out of that Iraq mess,” said Joe Perkins, a lawyer from Lawrence, Kansas. “I stand corrected for calling him a retarded dipshit ball-sniffer.”

    “I have to say that I am also impressed,” said Democratic presidential frontrunner Senator Hilary Clinton. “And since most U.S. Americans can’t find the Unites States on a map anyway, I think this “Try and Follow Us Home” map will work like a charm. In fact, I see no down side.”

    And neither does Russian president Vladimir Putin. “This map will give me the chance to get some things done,” said Putin in between push-ups. “Now I will be able to plausibly ignore intelligence reports of an imminent attack. And after that attack, I will be able to strike back at a country that did not attack us, take more pictures of my buff pecs and pull East Berlin back into the bosom of mother Russia. Thank you United States Pentagon for your map, thank you.”

    “Anything we can do to help stabilize the world good buddy,” said President Bush to Putin. “We’re just glad to do it.”

    Monday
    Jul162007

    Congress Solves Healthcare Crisis By Requiring Citizens To Get $100,000 Jobs

    US_House_Committee.jpg(Washington D.C.) The nation’s capital was buzzing this morning, buzzing with the satisfaction of a job well done. “We did it,” said Senate Majority leader Harry Reid giving House Speaker Nancy Pelosi a high five. “We solved the healthcare crisis!”

    “And it feels good,” said Pelosi, “feels real good to know that we have finally helped the American people.”

    Late last night the House and Senate each passed, by an overwhelming majority, the Health Reform Act of 2007. “This bill will finally guarantee healthcare for every single American,” said Senator Joe Leiberman, “by requiring every adult American to get a job that pays at least 100,000 dollars…That way, they can pay for their own healthcare.”

    President Bush, ecstatic, said that he can’t wait to sign the Health Reform Act into law. “Heck, I wish I had one of those pen type things, right now.”

    While the Congress and President Bush are popping the cork on the champagne, critics of the Health Reform Act say it’s unrealistic. “I’ve got a list of questions here. Like first, where are these 100,000 dollar jobs?” asked filmmaker Michael Moore to CNN's Wolf Blitzer before satellite problems forced his interview to be cut short.

    After CNN corrected its satellite issues, Senator Trent Lott answered the critics. “There are plenty of 100,000 dollar jobs available in a variety of terrific industries like lobbying, oil, gas, Iraqi reconstruction and porn…People these jobs are out there, just go get’em!”

    The public better get them soon, because if American citizens do not have a 100,000 dollar job by December 31st of this year, they will have to pay a 100,000 dollar fine and/or enlist in the Army.

    Wednesday
    Jul112007

    U. S. Congress To Send Iraq’s Founding Fathers Giant Crate Of Powdered Wigs

    IraqiFoundingWigs.jpg(Washington D.C.) A report due in Washington this week will suggest that Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki’s Shiite dominated government has not met 1 of the 18 benchmarks laid out earlier this year with President Bush. And that fact is driving Democratic and Republican lawmakers nuts. “I don’t get it,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid “they’re Iraq’s founding fathers…they need to found.”

    “And to make things worse, the Iraqi parliament is planning to take off the entire month of August,” said Republican Senator Richard Lugar.  “Something has to be done and done now.”

    Congress, the world’s greatest deliberative body, answered Senator Lugar’s call to action by passing a law that will send one giant crate of powdered wigs to Iraq’s founding fathers. “The powdered wigs worked for our founding fathers,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “And since the conditions the Iraqi founding fathers face is so similar to our own founding fathers conditions with basically zero electricity, no running water and death waiting around every corner; we think the powdered wigs will work wonders for them.”

    President Bush praised Congress’ action. “This is exactly what the Iraqi’s need,” said Bush. “And it will work…I’ve worn the wigs myself during the tough times at the White House, when I had to sit quietly and think about hard things and complicated matters…In fact I had on a big puffy wig when I, as the decider, decided to invade Iraq…So Maliki and his boys can be like me, and that’s good.”

    Prime Minister Maliki does not share the enthusiasm of the U. S. Congress or President. “I appreciate the gesture, but I have some problems. First, I can’t allow my government to look like a bunch of big fat poofs. Second, these wigs will be very hot, because they do not breathe properly. And third, I can’t allow my government to look like a bunch of big fat poofs.”

    Despite Maliki’s objections the wigs are already on their way. “I just hope they take advantage of this chance to pull their young nation together,” said Senator Reid “And I hope they do it before the end of the month, because we’re taking August off.”
    Tuesday
    Jun192007

    ‘No Fly List’ Scores Big Win As Jean Valjean Is Caught!

    iStock_JeanValjean.jpg(Washington D.C.) The Transportation Security Administration finally has something to crow about. The embattled agency has scored a big, big win thanks to their controversial ‘No Fly List’.

    “We caught Jean Valjean!” said TSA chief Kip Hawley “This guy has been evading the law for over a century and we got him! Not the CIA, not the FBI and not the Secret Service but us! Yeah!” Hawley added that his people needed this win after the Andrew Speaker TB mess, the Monica Emmerson sippy cup fiasco and the 60 Minutes story about their outdated ‘No Fly List’.”

    The win took place Saturday at Washington D.C.’s Reagan National Airport, when Jean Valjean was caught trying to board a plane to Montreal, while holding a bottle of water. “I was coming back from my wine and cheese lunch, when I saw a face from the past, a face I could never forget. The face of prisoner 24601,” said TSA chief inspector Javert “Knowing the face of this con, and that a con can never be anything but a con, I quickly grabbed 24601 and told him there is no escaping the law.”

    “Somebody please keep that creepy old guy away from me,” said Jean Valjean, an 11 year-old student from Montreal, who was in D.C. visiting the Smithsonian “I don’t understand what the fuss is all about. I swear that I’ve never stolen a piece of bread, participated in a French revolution or had a daughter named Cosette.”   

    “Don’t let 24601 fool you,” said Javert while cleaning his musket pistol “He’s a con who will say anything to save his neck.”

    “Javert is right, and I 'll stake my job on that,” added TSA chief Hawley “But what’s most important to me is that the American people know that Jean Valjean will have his day in court and it is finally safe to fly.”

    “Why, because they’ve caught a fictional character?” asked UCLA French studies professor Claude Reno “He’s not even an Islamic fictional character. So, what are they doing over there at the TSA, besides jerking each other off? They may say the skies are safe, but I’d recommend everyone just take the damn bus.”

    And that’s exactly what Jean Valjean and his family intend to do. This morning Judge Ellen Huvelle from the U.S. District Court of D.C. dismissed the charges against Valjean and reprimanded Javert and Hawley for wasting her time.

    “She’s a fool and a criminal, becaue last I checked a woman impersonating a judge was a crime,” said Javert before extending this warning. “Know this Jean Valjean, wherever you are. You can hide and you can run but you will never escape justice, prisoner 24601! You will never escape Javert!”

    Saturday
    Apr072007

    2032 Presidential Candidate Puts Venezuela "On Notice

    (Oklahoma City, OK) Monica Swafford is an abnormally bright 10 year-old girl with a love for Hilary Duff, puppies and politics. Last week while Republicans and Democrats were gearing up for the 2008 Presidential election, Monica announced her intention to run in 2032 and put the South American nation of Venezuela and it's "elected" leader Hugo Chavez "On Notice".

    "Mr. Chavez, you need to get your C-R-A-P in order," said Swafford during a campaign stop in her kitchen for milk and cookies "because if you haven't reinstated a true market economy by the time I take my oath, there's going to be some real T-R-O-U-B-L-E."

    Chavez is not Swafford's only target. She also has put "On Notice" Zimbabwe, China and Luxembourg, all for human rights violations.

    Though Chavez and the other countries have more than twenty-five years to comply, they shouldn't take this young girl lightly. Monica is the only child ever elected to a neighborhood council (we think), where she fought hard to install lights in the pool (so kids could swim at night) and allow anyone to sell their homemade snacks. "I'm a big believer in the entrepreneur," added Swafford.

    Most 10 year-olds spend Friday nights watching movies and putting on make-up with glitter, but from now on Swafford will spend hers fundraising and writing out her policy ideas. She believes in a flat tax system, a strong military and a nationwide bedtime of ten o'clock for children under thirteen.

    "I know this journey is not going to be easy," said Swafford "That's why I'm starting now. So when I reach 35, which by the way is very old, I'll be ready." Before becoming President, Monica also plans to have a child out of wedlock and overcome a future addiction to Meth. "Overcoming those obstacles will only endear me to the voters," added Swafford "They'll see that Monica Swafford doesn't have one ounce of 'quit' in her...You hear that Chavez?"