(Washington D.C.) We have all heard the phrase from President Bush, Secretary Rice, former Secretary Rumsfeld and many others, “We must fight Al Qaeda over there in Iraq, so that we don’t have to fight them over here.”
The thinking is that if we leave Iraq the terrorists will follow us home to create a new front in the War on Terror. But in preparation for a possible military pullout, the Pentagon has unveiled a new strategy that will make it nearly impossible for the terrorists to follow us home. The strategy is a new map called the “Try and Follow Us Home” map. And as this article was being written that map was being airdropped all over Iraq.
“The top minds in the Pentagon spent almost a year perfecting this map,” said Secretary of Defense Robert Gates. “We think we have come up with the best way to protect the American people.”
“This is nothing short of brilliant,” said President Bush. “But the best thing is that the new map is made up of recycled copies of the Constitution. Pretty good huh?”
“I’m impressed. Bush has finally done something to get us out of that Iraq mess,” said Joe Perkins, a lawyer from Lawrence, Kansas. “I stand corrected for calling him a retarded dipshit ball-sniffer.”
“I have to say that I am also impressed,” said Democratic presidential frontrunner Senator Hilary Clinton. “And since most U.S. Americans can’t find the Unites States on a map anyway, I think this “Try and Follow Us Home” map will work like a charm. In fact, I see no down side.”
And neither does Russian president Vladimir Putin. “This map will give me the chance to get some things done,” said Putin in between push-ups. “Now I will be able to plausibly ignore intelligence reports of an imminent attack. And after that attack, I will be able to strike back at a country that did not attack us, take more pictures of my buff pecs and pull East Berlin back into the bosom of mother Russia. Thank you United States Pentagon for your map, thank you.”
“Anything we can do to help stabilize the world good buddy,” said President Bush to Putin. “We’re just glad to do it.”
(Boise, Idaho) The dark spectre of sexual ambiguity has again descended upon Republican Senator Larry Craig, who was arrested on June 11th by a plainclothes police officer investigating complaints of lewd conduct in a men's restroom at the Minneapolis airport.
But everything’s okay, says Craig.
“I just want everyone in Idaho to know that I am as straight as an Indian arrow, and that just because someone might suck a little Thingamajig doesn’t make that person a Watchamacallit,” said the Senator while standing next to his wife/beard.
While Craig’s declaration may seem sincere, “It doesn’t ring true to me,” said former straight as an Indian arrow Congressman Mark Foley. “For years I told people that I wasn’t a Watchamacallit. In fact I told them that being a Watchamacallit was a sin against humanity. But the whole time I was wolfing down Thingamajigs like there was no tomorrow.”
“Me too,” said former righteous and straight as an Indian arrow evangelical pastor Ted Haggard. “And let me add this. If it looks like a Watchamacallit, walks like a Watchamacallit, talks like a Watchamacallit and sucks a Thingamajig like a Watchamacallit, it’s a Watchamacallit.”
Some Craig supporters are thinking the Senator might be Acey Deucey. “Maybe he likes Thingamajigs and Hoo-haws,” said Boise resident Clark Hendricks.
“Yeah, that guy’s on to something,” said Craig. “Maybe I do like Thingamajigs and Hoo-haws. And maybe I need to go to a Thingamajig rehab center and restrict myself to an all Hoo-haw diet, like Jesus intended…But first I could really go for a Watchamacallit, the candy bar. Do they still make those?”
(Washington D.C.) The nation’s capital was buzzing this morning, buzzing with the satisfaction of a job well done. “We did it,” said Senate Majority leader Harry Reid giving House Speaker Nancy Pelosi a high five. “We solved the healthcare crisis!”
“And it feels good,” said Pelosi, “feels real good to know that we have finally helped the American people.”
Late last night the House and Senate each passed, by an overwhelming majority, the Health Reform Act of 2007. “This bill will finally guarantee healthcare for every single American,” said Senator Joe Leiberman, “by requiring every adult American to get a job that pays at least 100,000 dollars…That way, they can pay for their own healthcare.”
President Bush, ecstatic, said that he can’t wait to sign the Health Reform Act into law. “Heck, I wish I had one of those pen type things, right now.”
While the Congress and President Bush are popping the cork on the champagne, critics of the Health Reform Act say it’s unrealistic. “I’ve got a list of questions here. Like first, where are these 100,000 dollar jobs?” asked filmmaker Michael Moore to CNN's Wolf Blitzer before satellite problems forced his interview to be cut short.
After CNN corrected its satellite issues, Senator Trent Lott answered the critics. “There are plenty of 100,000 dollar jobs available in a variety of terrific industries like lobbying, oil, gas, Iraqi reconstruction and porn…People these jobs are out there, just go get’em!”
The public better get them soon, because if American citizens do not have a 100,000 dollar job by December 31st of this year, they will have to pay a 100,000 dollar fine and/or enlist in the Army.
“And to make things worse, the Iraqi parliament is planning to take off the entire month of August,” said Republican Senator Richard Lugar. “Something has to be done and done now.”
Congress, the world’s greatest deliberative body, answered Senator Lugar’s call to action by passing a law that will send one giant crate of powdered wigs to Iraq’s founding fathers. “The powdered wigs worked for our founding fathers,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “And since the conditions the Iraqi founding fathers face is so similar to our own founding fathers conditions with basically zero electricity, no running water and death waiting around every corner; we think the powdered wigs will work wonders for them.”
President Bush praised Congress’ action. “This is exactly what the Iraqi’s need,” said Bush. “And it will work…I’ve worn the wigs myself during the tough times at the White House, when I had to sit quietly and think about hard things and complicated matters…In fact I had on a big puffy wig when I, as the decider, decided to invade Iraq…So Maliki and his boys can be like me, and that’s good.”
Prime Minister Maliki does not share the enthusiasm of the U. S. Congress or President. “I appreciate the gesture, but I have some problems. First, I can’t allow my government to look like a bunch of big fat poofs. Second, these wigs will be very hot, because they do not breathe properly. And third, I can’t allow my government to look like a bunch of big fat poofs.”
Despite Maliki’s objections the wigs are already on their way. “I just hope they take advantage of this chance to pull their young nation together,” said Senator Reid “And I hope they do it before the end of the month, because we’re taking August off.”
(Washington D.C.) The Transportation Security Administration finally has something to crow about. The embattled agency has scored a big, big win thanks to their controversial ‘No Fly List’.
“We caught Jean Valjean!” said TSA chief Kip Hawley “This guy has been evading the law for over a century and we got him! Not the CIA, not the FBI and not the Secret Service but us! Yeah!” Hawley added that his people needed this win after the Andrew Speaker TB mess, the Monica Emmerson sippy cup fiasco and the 60 Minutes story about their outdated ‘No Fly List’.”
The win took place Saturday at Washington D.C.’s Reagan National Airport, when Jean Valjean was caught trying to board a plane to Montreal, while holding a bottle of water. “I was coming back from my wine and cheese lunch, when I saw a face from the past, a face I could never forget. The face of prisoner 24601,” said TSA chief inspector Javert “Knowing the face of this con, and that a con can never be anything but a con, I quickly grabbed 24601 and told him there is no escaping the law.”
“Somebody please keep that creepy old guy away from me,” said Jean Valjean, an 11 year-old student from Montreal, who was in D.C. visiting the Smithsonian “I don’t understand what the fuss is all about. I swear that I’ve never stolen a piece of bread, participated in a French revolution or had a daughter named Cosette.”
“Don’t let 24601 fool you,” said Javert while cleaning his musket pistol “He’s a con who will say anything to save his neck.”
“Javert is right, and I 'll stake my job on that,” added TSA chief Hawley “But what’s most important to me is that the American people know that Jean Valjean will have his day in court and it is finally safe to fly.”
“Why, because they’ve caught a fictional character?” asked UCLA French studies professor Claude Reno “He’s not even an Islamic fictional character. So, what are they doing over there at the TSA, besides jerking each other off? They may say the skies are safe, but I’d recommend everyone just take the damn bus.”
And that’s exactly what Jean Valjean and his family intend to do. This morning Judge Ellen Huvelle from the U.S. District Court of D.C. dismissed the charges against Valjean and reprimanded Javert and Hawley for wasting her time.
“She’s a fool and a criminal, becaue last I checked a woman impersonating a judge was a crime,” said Javert before extending this warning. “Know this Jean Valjean, wherever you are. You can hide and you can run but you will never escape justice, prisoner 24601! You will never escape Javert!”