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    Tuesday
    Apr242007

    Guys, I've Got Some Great Ideas For Naked Gun 44 1/4

    OJ.jpgThis is a letter sent to Jerry and David Zucker, the makers of Police Squad and The Naked Gun, The Naked Gun 2 1/2 and The Naked Gun 33 1/3...dated, January 1, 2001

    Happy New Year Zucker clan! It's a new century, a new era and a time for rebirth. Which means I'm ready to get back to work! I haven't heard from you in a while. (The second half of the 90's were just nuts for me.) I didn't know if I had done anything to make you mad, so I thought that I would extend the olive branch. So how are you guys?

    First let me say, Jerry I saw FIRST KNIGHT and let me say powerful man, powerful. No wonder the whites have been in power so long. ZING! That was a Juice Joke, not the powerful comment about FIRST KNIGHT but about whites being in power. I'm thinking about trying stand-up comedy, because thanks to you guys, I know I'm funny.Which brings me to the reason for this letter.

    Guys, I've got some great ideas for NAKED GUN 44 1/4. Now stick with me, but I think this could be the "Nordberg" movie. I think the public's ready. The story could revolve around Nordberg (who doesn't have a first name, but I was thinking Gabriel) as he becomes the head of Police Squad after Frank Drebin is tragically killed. He has his head cut off by the jealous ex-husband of his new girlfriend...Ouch!

    If that's too gory, then how about old Gabe Nordberg and Frank Drebin going go cross-country to save Ed from a band of homicidal lesbians? Or Nordberg and Drebin could go into space or time travel. I've got so many good ideas it's sick! We've got to get together, when can we get together? How about now! I'm coming over! ZING! That's Juice Joke number 2!

    Seriously, we gotta hash out these ideas, pronto. And it goes without saying, but I'd be willing to share the writing credit with you cats. I just want to work in the medium I was born for. I want people to see the real Juice, the funny Juice, the silly Juice, the Juice you can invite into your home. I think people got the wrong idea about the Juice.

    I'm around and I'm free, so let me know what you want to do about these "golden" ideas.

    Juice

    Saturday
    Apr142007

    After Captain America's Death, Captain Chaos Fills Void

    CaptainChaosBig.jpg(Burbank, CA) Last week superhero and super American Captain America was gunned down in front of a courthouse. His death has left many to think that with only a hundred or so super heroes left in the United States, who will step in to fill his particular hero niche?

    Dun dun DUNNNN!!... Captain Chaos!, as played by veteran comic actor and all around jolly fellow, Dom DeLuise.

    "Dom DeLuise? I don't know a Dom DeLuise," said Captain Chaos while striking a pose for a camera that wasn't there. "I only know Captain Chaos, protector of the innocent and seducer of the attractive!"

    Captain Chaos promises to pick up where Captain America left off before he was gunned down. "But after lunch of course," said Chaos. "What does everyone think of Italian? Doesn't a nice plate of spaghetti sound good?"

    Not to Marvel Comics. They are putting as much distance between themselves and Captain Chaos as they can. "Captain Chaos is not the replacement that Joe (Simon) and Jack (Kirby) wanted for their creation, Captain America," said Marvel's CEO Isaac Perlmutter "In fact, we here in the Marvel universe do not think anyone can replace Captain America, certainly not Captain Chaos. Who, as far we know, is not even a real captain."

    "He might not be a real captain, but he's a real lifesaver," said super actor and American Burt Reynolds. "I think if we would have pulled old Chaos out of the closet sooner, this whole Iraq thing would have been over years ago...But what do I know, I thought Boogie Nights sucked and a Cop And 1/2 sizzled."

    Whatever criticisms come his way, Captain Chaos vows to make a difference in the lives of every American.

    "And I'm going to start with the wait staff down at the Olive Garden...I just can't get enough of their never ending salad bowl or those delicious breads sticks!...Chaos out!"

    Saturday
    Apr142007

    Trouble In Hollywood As Blades Of Glory Tanks In The Sudan

    BladesSudanBig.jpg(Hollywood, CA) Super hot comedian Will Ferrell's box office dominance has hit a big melting iceberg. While his latest blockbuster Blades Of Glory has scorched the American and European theaters, it has failed to catch fire in the African nation of Sudan.

    "We are shocked, just shocked," said DreamWorks marketing president Peter Gold "We did not see this coming at all. We thought Blades would kill, because when the chips are down, and they definitely are down in the Sudan, who doesn't want to laugh at a tall white guy on ice skates?"

    Evidently the Sudanese, who treated the Will Ferrell and Jon Heder starrer like the rest of the world has treated Darfour. Case in point, in it's opening weekend Blades only pulled in a meager 200 dollars.

    Reports have that Ferrell is inconsolable and can't understand why his movie underperformed. "But like a pro, he wants to do something about it," added Gold "That's why we're thinking of taking Blades Of Glory there as an ice show. I think the people would really like that."

    "I agree. We would," said the Sudanese Director of Entertainment Muhammad al-Hashir "if we had an ice rink. Right now, we would just rather have the ice."

    Also an exit survey of the 100 Sudanese who saw Blades, said that they just didn't click with the fat, white, alcoholic figure skater character of Chazz Michael Michaels and his story of redemption.

    "I wish I could be an alcoholic like Chazz," said local farmer Bomani Harun "but first I'd have to have some alcohol and a cup."

    "I'd give my right nut to have the hefty body and hair of Mr. Michael Michaels," said out of work taxi driver Moussa al-Rifi. When we reminded Rifi that the saying was 'I'd give my left nut', he added that his right nut was all that he could give. His left nut was removed by the government for safekeeping.

    Despite the depressing numbers and feedback, Peter Gold is not giving up on the Sudan. He still thinks the Sudanese want and need to laugh. "I know what they want, they want animation. And I feel confident, that they're going to love the new Jack Black animated movie Kung Fu Panda ."

    But what about Blades of Glory, the ice show and Will Ferrell? "Blades is gone. The ice show is not going to happen," said Gold "And it saddens me to say this, but Will's film career in the Sudan is over."
    Saturday
    Apr072007

    Movie Extra Reveals Will Ferrell, "Down To Earth Guy"

    iStock_ExtraBig.jpg(Chicago, IL) Chicago actor Doug Malone still reveals to anyone who will listen that working with comedian Will Ferrell on the film Stranger Than Fiction was a great experience due to the funnyman's "down-to-earth, just one of the guys" nature.

    "Will is one of those people who makes everyone feel at ease, you know?" Doug gushed to fellow Xerox sales representative Barb as she shut the door to her office, "He's just such a professional, I mean, really! You couldn't ask for a better scene partner; so supportive."

    The much talked about, only by Doug, scene featured Will Ferrell and indie-darling Maggie Gyllenhaal on a Chicago public bus, discussing her impending audit by Ferrell's character Harold Crick. Doug, seated 7 rows behind Ferrell next to a Chinese guy and an old woman, is barely noticeable by anyone other than Doug.

    "The scene was intense," Doug explained while following to his boss Brian into the men's room, "And Will was such a trooper. We spent 15 hours on that bus...Of course Will was allowed to get off the bus, but when he got back on after his catered lunch in his private trailer, he was back ON!   'On' is a show business term Brian. You probably wouldn't understand."

    But Doug now understands what he wants to do with his life, show business. So after putting in his notice at Xerox, he plans to work his way up the fame ladder.  

    "I'm getting headshots taken by my cousin, which is the first step," Doug said to a woman listening to her iPod on the train "The next step is, of course, getting a lead role in a movie.   My mom says I'm really funny and I should try Saturday Night Live and I'm really considering that. But I need to make sure I know exactly where I want to go before I dive headfirst into fame."

    In the end, Doug Malone will always remember funnyman Ferrell and his words of advice.

    "Will goes to this guy standing next to me - 'Hey, would you mind not taking a picture of me with your camera phone? It's kind of rude.' I laughed and thought to myself, that Will hasn't lost his humble, good nature and I want to make sure I do too when I'm famous."

    UPDATE: Doug's headshots came out great, according to his mom. And as of press time, he is unemployed and living in her basement. "This time of year is the 'slow season' for getting famous," said Doug to the mailman.
    Saturday
    Apr072007

    Woman Seeks to Point Out That Angelina Jolie is Nothing Special, Really

    iStock_AngelinaWomanBig.jpg(Muncie, IN) Tiffany Allen just wants to point out to everyone "Angelina Jolie's lips are physically too big for her face....I'm not lying." A fact she repeatedly stated during a recent viewing of the movie Mr. And Mrs. Smith with her boyfriend, Todd James.

    After he selected the Mr. And Mrs. Smith DVD from the shelf at Blockbuster, Tiffany jumped to point out to Todd that the cover of the movie had been "obviously airbrushed, because no one's legs actually look like that." Todd, who asked three times if his movie selection was okay, felt obligated to then say that Tiffany's legs looked "great" and that "that Mystic Tan is really working."

    "Angelina Jolie can afford to have special trainers that you can't get at regular gyms," Tiffany stated as she picked up some Extra Butter, Extra Salt Popcorn to snack on, "I mean, having a ton of money will get you that body, if you know what I mean". Todd didn't know what she meant, but decided to just stay quiet. Tiffany then went on to explain again that the reason she stopped jogging was because she needed a new pair of tennis shoes and didn't want to "undo all the hard work" she'd done by running in old shoes.

    Despite repeatedly turning up the volume during the viewing of Mr. And Mrs. Smith that night, Todd unfortunately missed 80% of the movie due to discussing at length whether or not Angelina Jolie's hair was a "weave", or if she'd had "Restalyn" or "Restasis". He wasn't totally sure. Also discussed was why anyone would like a cheating whore who steals Brad Pitt from his wife. Instead of pointing out that Tiffany had earlier stated that Jennifer Aniston's nose was huge and unnatural, Todd chose instead to fill his mouth with delicious Extra Butter, Extra Salt Popcorn.

    Later that evening, when Tiffany inquired as to why Todd didn't work out more to achieve hot abs and a sexy core like Brad Pitt, Todd took the opportunity to dump Tiffany because of her non-air-brushed legs. Now he's dating a personal trainer, who looks a lot like Angelina Jolie.
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