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    Monday
    Nov262007

    Last 'Air Supply' Fan Calls It Quits

    ASFAN280x255.jpg(Thousand Oaks, Ca) After months of deliberating, part-time economics teacher, Alice Cahill, the last known Air Supply fan, has decided to call it quits. "It's hard, but it's really for the best." said a somber Alice, as she put the Air Supply album Yours Truly into a time capsule. "Maybe future generations will rediscover and love the Supply, but I can't do it anymore." 

    Why?

    "They took me for granted," said Alice. "Over the past 25 years, I've turned down dozens of full-time teaching jobs in order to follow Air Supply. And not once, did I get a 'thank you', a 'way to go', or a  'What are you doing for Christmas Alice? Because if you're not doing anything special, the band would like to invite you over because you're so important to us.'....I think that's bullshit, and I'm done."

    "Let her walk. What the hell do I care?" said Air Supply lead singer, Russell Hitchcock from his garage/office. "We have plenty of other fans. In fact there was a fan right outside just a minute ago. Here, look out the window. Well, that's the mailman Terry. But there was a fan out there, there was."

    Air Supply may not want Alice, but a slew of other vintage bands do. "Alice is great," said Robert Lamm, lead singer from the 80's fave CHICAGO. "25 years, are you kidding me? We'd love to have someone who has that level of commitment."


    In fact CHICAGO has made Alice a very firm fan offer. "Besides love, we're offering Alice a 401k, two holidays a year with the band, and a child sired by me," said Lamm. But CHICAGO doesn't have it sewn up, because bands like ASIA, KAJAGOOGOOO, ALDO NOVA, DEXY'S MIDNIGHT RUNNERS and TOMMY TUTONE are throwing their hats into the ring. 

    "In the end I had to go where my heart told me to go, and that's CHICAGO," said Alice at a press conference this morning. "Sorry ASIA, but those windy city boys are something special."

    "No Alice, you're something special. You're special for turning things around for us, for giving us new life" said Lamm. "Hell, we feel like we're forty-five again!"

    Wednesday
    Jun062007

    Local Reporter Shows Empty Ring Finger For The 200th Time

    (Des Moines, IA)  Last night the Republican candidates for President of the United States debated in New Hampshire. And in Des Moines, Iowa Megan Rigg, a reporter for WHO-TV Channel 13, showed her empty ring ringer for the 200th time.

    While Governor Mitt Romney, Senator John McCain and Mayor Rudy Giuliani pitched themselves as the perfect candidate for 2008, Megan was not so subtlety pitching herself as the perfect wife in 2007.

    “It’s got to stop,” said WHO-TV’s assistant news manager and single woman Jenny Crocker “It’s unprofessional and unfair…She’s so damn thin.”

    Megan Rigg says that she was just reporting the news of the night. “I was doing my job. And if certain pushy pudgy persons want to think that by holding the mic with my ring less left hand, I’m advertising for a husband, fine. I don’t care…I don’t have time for critics. I have a life to live and some jazzercise, sewing and baking to do.”

    “She’s such a liar,” said Crocker “Megan doesn’t know how to jazzercise, sew or bake. All she does is put the ready-to-bake cookies in the oven. And she burns them. Me, I’ve won the Des Moines bake-off with my blueberry cobbler four years in a row. My last name is Crocker. What else would you expect?”

    “Did I mention, that I can tie a two cherry stems into a perfect bow with my tongue,” added Rigg “and that Jenny has 10 cats?”

    Jeremy Donner, general manager of WHO-TV, told TLN that the infighting between the two women is starting to affect station morale. “Their behavior is forcing me to make some tough decisions,” said the recently divorced Donner “As of Monday, Miss Crocker will be transferred to our sister station KGAN in Cedar Rapids, and there will be long-stem cherries in the break room.”

    Tuesday
    May222007

    Another Celebrity Has Another Baby

    wallpaper07_800x600.jpg"It's like a miracle. An absolute miracle!" Marcia Cross of ABC's Desperate Housewives gushed exclusively to The Lost News, People Magazine, Star and The National Enquirer about the birth of her twins. "No one else in the world has ever had a baby!"

    The twin girls were born two minutes apart, in a trying half hour C-section labor, which Marcia described as "grueling" for her doctor.

    Nestled in a private nursery ward in an exclusive members-only hospital in Palm Springs, Cross requested a "natural" C-Section, using only a few drugs. "It was really tough," Marcia sighed "In that moment when I first saw them, before the nanny took them, I was so overwhelmed with a feeling of responsibility. That nanny has so much of it."

    Marcia immediately dove back into her work, with a tour to The View and Oprah to share her unique experience of giving birth.

    "Oprah, it was a life-changing experience," she gushed to the talk show host "An experience that I'm sure no other woman in the world has ever experienced. I have achieved Nirvana with the birth of my little twin boy and girl."

    Oprah then pointed out that the twins were both girls, to which Cross replied, "I don't judge them."

    The ladies of The View questioned Marcia about the daily stresses of being a new mother to not one, but two little miracle, never-done-before-ever, babies.

    "It's a change, it really is," Marcia stated, "I wake up around noon and go to the set of my hit TV show, Desperate Housewives. I'm there for about 15 hours, then it's home for a quick nap or maybe a puzzle with the kids, then off to bed to start it all over again!"

    "But...when do you see the twins?" Rosie O'Donnell interjected "And have you told them yet about the evils of George W. Bush?"

    "Well, the nanny handles most of it," said Marcia, "and I oversee, of course, via cellphone. My assistant Marcy calls the nanny EVERY HOUR to check in. It's so sweet seeing them developing these little personalities, Marcy tells me, and discovering who they are as people. Sometimes I'll get a text message from the nanny like, 'Oh! Your daughter just called me Mommy! You should probably come right home.' It's just so sweet, you know?"

    Marcia Cross will also be appearing in a nude pictorial featuring her twins wearing Roberto Cavalli Couture in this month's OK! Magazine.

    Tuesday
    Apr242007

    Guys, I've Got Some Great Ideas For Naked Gun 44 1/4

    OJ.jpgThis is a letter sent to Jerry and David Zucker, the makers of Police Squad and The Naked Gun, The Naked Gun 2 1/2 and The Naked Gun 33 1/3...dated, January 1, 2001

    Happy New Year Zucker clan! It's a new century, a new era and a time for rebirth. Which means I'm ready to get back to work! I haven't heard from you in a while. (The second half of the 90's were just nuts for me.) I didn't know if I had done anything to make you mad, so I thought that I would extend the olive branch. So how are you guys?

    First let me say, Jerry I saw FIRST KNIGHT and let me say powerful man, powerful. No wonder the whites have been in power so long. ZING! That was a Juice Joke, not the powerful comment about FIRST KNIGHT but about whites being in power. I'm thinking about trying stand-up comedy, because thanks to you guys, I know I'm funny.Which brings me to the reason for this letter.

    Guys, I've got some great ideas for NAKED GUN 44 1/4. Now stick with me, but I think this could be the "Nordberg" movie. I think the public's ready. The story could revolve around Nordberg (who doesn't have a first name, but I was thinking Gabriel) as he becomes the head of Police Squad after Frank Drebin is tragically killed. He has his head cut off by the jealous ex-husband of his new girlfriend...Ouch!

    If that's too gory, then how about old Gabe Nordberg and Frank Drebin going go cross-country to save Ed from a band of homicidal lesbians? Or Nordberg and Drebin could go into space or time travel. I've got so many good ideas it's sick! We've got to get together, when can we get together? How about now! I'm coming over! ZING! That's Juice Joke number 2!

    Seriously, we gotta hash out these ideas, pronto. And it goes without saying, but I'd be willing to share the writing credit with you cats. I just want to work in the medium I was born for. I want people to see the real Juice, the funny Juice, the silly Juice, the Juice you can invite into your home. I think people got the wrong idea about the Juice.

    I'm around and I'm free, so let me know what you want to do about these "golden" ideas.

    Juice

    Saturday
    Apr142007

    After Captain America's Death, Captain Chaos Fills Void

    CaptainChaosBig.jpg(Burbank, CA) Last week superhero and super American Captain America was gunned down in front of a courthouse. His death has left many to think that with only a hundred or so super heroes left in the United States, who will step in to fill his particular hero niche?

    Dun dun DUNNNN!!... Captain Chaos!, as played by veteran comic actor and all around jolly fellow, Dom DeLuise.

    "Dom DeLuise? I don't know a Dom DeLuise," said Captain Chaos while striking a pose for a camera that wasn't there. "I only know Captain Chaos, protector of the innocent and seducer of the attractive!"

    Captain Chaos promises to pick up where Captain America left off before he was gunned down. "But after lunch of course," said Chaos. "What does everyone think of Italian? Doesn't a nice plate of spaghetti sound good?"

    Not to Marvel Comics. They are putting as much distance between themselves and Captain Chaos as they can. "Captain Chaos is not the replacement that Joe (Simon) and Jack (Kirby) wanted for their creation, Captain America," said Marvel's CEO Isaac Perlmutter "In fact, we here in the Marvel universe do not think anyone can replace Captain America, certainly not Captain Chaos. Who, as far we know, is not even a real captain."

    "He might not be a real captain, but he's a real lifesaver," said super actor and American Burt Reynolds. "I think if we would have pulled old Chaos out of the closet sooner, this whole Iraq thing would have been over years ago...But what do I know, I thought Boogie Nights sucked and a Cop And 1/2 sizzled."

    Whatever criticisms come his way, Captain Chaos vows to make a difference in the lives of every American.

    "And I'm going to start with the wait staff down at the Olive Garden...I just can't get enough of their never ending salad bowl or those delicious breads sticks!...Chaos out!"