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    Monday
    Nov262007

    Last 'Air Supply' Fan Calls It Quits

    ASFAN280x255.jpg(Thousand Oaks, Ca) After months of deliberating, part-time economics teacher, Alice Cahill, the last known Air Supply fan, has decided to call it quits. "It's hard, but it's really for the best." said a somber Alice, as she put the Air Supply album Yours Truly into a time capsule. "Maybe future generations will rediscover and love the Supply, but I can't do it anymore." 

    Why?

    "They took me for granted," said Alice. "Over the past 25 years, I've turned down dozens of full-time teaching jobs in order to follow Air Supply. And not once, did I get a 'thank you', a 'way to go', or a  'What are you doing for Christmas Alice? Because if you're not doing anything special, the band would like to invite you over because you're so important to us.'....I think that's bullshit, and I'm done."

    "Let her walk. What the hell do I care?" said Air Supply lead singer, Russell Hitchcock from his garage/office. "We have plenty of other fans. In fact there was a fan right outside just a minute ago. Here, look out the window. Well, that's the mailman Terry. But there was a fan out there, there was."

    Air Supply may not want Alice, but a slew of other vintage bands do. "Alice is great," said Robert Lamm, lead singer from the 80's fave CHICAGO. "25 years, are you kidding me? We'd love to have someone who has that level of commitment."


    In fact CHICAGO has made Alice a very firm fan offer. "Besides love, we're offering Alice a 401k, two holidays a year with the band, and a child sired by me," said Lamm. But CHICAGO doesn't have it sewn up, because bands like ASIA, KAJAGOOGOOO, ALDO NOVA, DEXY'S MIDNIGHT RUNNERS and TOMMY TUTONE are throwing their hats into the ring. 

    "In the end I had to go where my heart told me to go, and that's CHICAGO," said Alice at a press conference this morning. "Sorry ASIA, but those windy city boys are something special."

    "No Alice, you're something special. You're special for turning things around for us, for giving us new life" said Lamm. "Hell, we feel like we're forty-five again!"

    Tuesday
    Sep182007

    O. J. Hires Hotshot Attorney Jackie Chiles

    jackie3.jpg(Las Vegas, NV) O. J. Simpson has found himself in trouble again. Over the weekend Simpson allegedly broke into a room at the palatial Palace Station hotel and took some of his own sports memorabilia at gunpoint. And like that whole ‘Nicole and Ron thing’ O.J. says he’s the victim. “Those guys stole from me first man!”

    To help him avoid serious jail time, Simpson has retained the best attorney he could afford, Jackie Chiles.

    “All I have to say is that these charges are lewd, lascivious and salacious!” said Chiles to NBC’s Today Show Matt Lauer, while standing outside the Clark County Detention Center in Las Vegas. “The fact that this brother is even in jail is an infringement on his constitutional rights. It's outrageous, egregious and preposterous!”

    Chiles went on add that Simpson is being mistreated in jail, where he is not only being kept in a closet sized cell, but he also only being fed O’Henry bars. “With all that chocolate, peanuts, nougat, the O'Henry is delicious, scrumptious and outstanding! But it’s not enough for the man-size appetite of the Juice!”

    Legal scholars from around the country think Chiles has a tough case ahead of him. “That audio tape, where Simpson threatens a group of men, is pretty damaging” said former Simpson Dream Team member Alan Dershowitz. “It could be a big big problem for Jackie.”

    But Chiles is not worried. “Oh that tape is gonna be a problem. It’s gonna be a problem for them, the prosecution,” said Chiles to CNN’s Larry King. “It shows that this whole supposed robbery was a sting, a set-up, a caper! Why that tape is libelous, odious, and scurrilous! But that tape is my case.”

    For all Simpson’s supposed effort, there are now reports that the sports memorabilia he allegedly tried to recover was fake. Which would mean O.J. could go to jail for nothing.

    “First of all O.J. will not be going to jail, because thanks to Mr. Jackie Chiles, he will be vindicated, absolved and exculpated!” said Chiles to Court TV’s Nancy Grace. “And second of all, that memorabilia is Mr. Simpson's. It is real and it is spectacular.”
    Thursday
    Aug232007

    When Fart Jokes Are No Longer Funny, It’s Time To Walk Away

    iStock_WalkAway.jpgTommy Dempsy 

    Comedy. It’s a wonderful but hard business that I’ve been blessed to work in for over 40 years.  But as my mentor, Cy Goldman told me in 1965, “Tommy, when the fart jokes are no longer funny, it’s time to walk away.”

    Well folks, the fart jokes are no longer funny, and neither are the Jew jokes, the black jokes or the Holocaust jokes. Even my favorite child-molesting joke  (the one about how hard it is to clean blood out of a clown suit) doesn’t make me laugh, giggle or snicker anymore. In fact that joke now makes me a little nauseous.

    What’s the problem? Are those bad jokes, evil jokes? No. The jokes are fine. They haven’t changed. It’s me who’s changed. I’ve lost my comic edge. I’ve lost my ability to see life from the outside. And, like Cougar in Top Gun, I need to hand in my joke wings before I start saying stuff like ‘I don’t think you should joke about things like that.’

    Dear friends, don’t ask me to stay in the business, because I would only bring you down. I’m like the guy who’s been bitten by a zombie. I may look okay now, but soon I’m going to change into one of them; and when I do, I won’t think like you. I’ll think only in terms of Chili’s baby back ribs, The GAP and how funny Two And A Half Men is....Please, just let me go.

    And I know you young guys think I’m a crazy old pussy. Hell, I thought Cy was. But the same thing that’s happening to me will happen to you just like it’s happened to Chevy Chase, Charles Grodin and Steve Martin (though for some reason, I think he has some comedy left in his batteries. If you do Steve, SPEND IT.). So please kids, while you can, enjoy your time in comedy, cradle those hook-nosed Jew jokes, treasure every N word uttered in jest and count your blessings every time you laugh at a fart. It’s so very precious. And it all goes way too fast, too fast.

    Wednesday
    Jun062007

    Local Reporter Shows Empty Ring Finger For The 200th Time

    jackie.jpg(Des Moines, IA)  Last night the Republican candidates for President of the United States debated in New Hampshire. And in Des Moines, Iowa Megan Rigg, a reporter for WHO-TV Channel 13, showed her empty ring ringer for the 200th time.

    While Governor Mitt Romney, Senator John McCain and Mayor Rudy Giuliani pitched themselves as the perfect candidate for 2008, Megan was not so subtlety pitching herself as the perfect wife in 2007.

    “It’s got to stop,” said WHO-TV’s assistant news manager and single woman Jenny Crocker “It’s unprofessional and unfair…She’s so damn thin.”

    Megan Rigg says that she was just reporting the news of the night. “I was doing my job. And if certain pushy pudgy persons want to think that by holding the mic with my ring less left hand, I’m advertising for a husband, fine. I don’t care…I don’t have time for critics. I have a life to live and some jazzercise, sewing and baking to do.”

    “She’s such a liar,” said Crocker “Megan doesn’t know how to jazzercise, sew or bake. All she does is put the ready-to-bake cookies in the oven. And she burns them. Me, I’ve won the Des Moines bake-off with my blueberry cobbler four years in a row. My last name is Crocker. What else would you expect?”

    “Did I mention, that I can tie a two cherry stems into a perfect bow with my tongue,” added Rigg “and that Jenny has 10 cats?”

    Jeremy Donner, general manager of WHO-TV, told TLN that the infighting between the two women is starting to affect station morale. “Their behavior is forcing me to make some tough decisions,” said the recently divorced Donner “As of Monday, Miss Crocker will be transferred to our sister station KGAN in Cedar Rapids, and there will be long-stem cherries in the break room.”

    Tuesday
    May222007

    Another Celebrity Has Another Baby

    wallpaper07_800x600.jpg"It's like a miracle. An absolute miracle!" Marcia Cross of ABC's Desperate Housewives gushed exclusively to The Lost News, People Magazine, Star and The National Enquirer about the birth of her twins. "No one else in the world has ever had a baby!"

    The twin girls were born two minutes apart, in a trying half hour C-section labor, which Marcia described as "grueling" for her doctor.

    Nestled in a private nursery ward in an exclusive members-only hospital in Palm Springs, Cross requested a "natural" C-Section, using only a few drugs. "It was really tough," Marcia sighed "In that moment when I first saw them, before the nanny took them, I was so overwhelmed with a feeling of responsibility. That nanny has so much of it."

    Marcia immediately dove back into her work, with a tour to The View and Oprah to share her unique experience of giving birth.

    "Oprah, it was a life-changing experience," she gushed to the talk show host "An experience that I'm sure no other woman in the world has ever experienced. I have achieved Nirvana with the birth of my little twin boy and girl."

    Oprah then pointed out that the twins were both girls, to which Cross replied, "I don't judge them."

    The ladies of The View questioned Marcia about the daily stresses of being a new mother to not one, but two little miracle, never-done-before-ever, babies.

    "It's a change, it really is," Marcia stated, "I wake up around noon and go to the set of my hit TV show, Desperate Housewives. I'm there for about 15 hours, then it's home for a quick nap or maybe a puzzle with the kids, then off to bed to start it all over again!"

    "But...when do you see the twins?" Rosie O'Donnell interjected "And have you told them yet about the evils of George W. Bush?"

    "Well, the nanny handles most of it," said Marcia, "and I oversee, of course, via cellphone. My assistant Marcy calls the nanny EVERY HOUR to check in. It's so sweet seeing them developing these little personalities, Marcy tells me, and discovering who they are as people. Sometimes I'll get a text message from the nanny like, 'Oh! Your daughter just called me Mommy! You should probably come right home.' It's just so sweet, you know?"

    Marcia Cross will also be appearing in a nude pictorial featuring her twins wearing Roberto Cavalli Couture in this month's OK! Magazine.